


Darkness Within

by LilyThistle



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Cheating, Christmas, Dark Academia, Dark Academia Lesbian AU, Extramarital Affairs, F/F, From Colleagues to Lovers, Semi-Public Sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-01
Updated: 2018-12-23
Packaged: 2019-09-05 04:33:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 25,694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16803715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LilyThistle/pseuds/LilyThistle
Summary: Jillian Holtzmann works as a research assistant at a university. One of her colleagues is assistant professor Dr Erin Gilbert, a woman Holtzmann doesn’t pay much attention to until a chance meeting. Holtzmann is immediately intrigued by her fellow researcher, but when she finds out that Erin is married, she thinks she’ll never have a chance with her.





	1. First Snow

**Author's Note:**

> As every year, I’m writing a Christmas Ghostbusters fanfic. This one is much darker than the ones in 2016 and 2017. It has a happy ending though. I will update the story every day until December 24.

It was the day of the first snow. An unusually warm summer had led to an unusually warm autumn. Persistent sunshine throughout October and into early November had made Holtzmann forget what it was like to see a cloudy sky every day and being unable to remember what the sun’s warmth on her skin felt like. But here she was, in the middle of November, no sunshine in sight.

Snow had come early this year. Normally, it didn’t snow until early December, and Holtzmann was caught unprepared. But the child in her jumped delightedly when she pulled the curtains apart and looked out of her bedroom window at a street covered in white powder. Holtzmann loved the summer sun, but she loved snow even more and being caught unaware by it like this made her whole week seem less gloomy as it had done before she had opened the curtains.

In September, Holtzmann had started a new job at a university. She was a research assistant. It was dull work, she didn’t get to use any of the fun machines. Her days mostly consisted of taking notes whenever her head of department, Dr Glen Linwood, gave one of his lectures on electromagnetic radiation or non-relativistic classical mechanics. The job description had given her the impression that she would get to do a lot of her own research, but Dr Linwood took the “assistant” part of her job title very literal. The other day he had even asked her to make him coffee, so Holtzmann had gone and made the coffee machine explode.

But today would be a good day. The first snow lifted her spirits immediately, and even the thought of spending the whole day in the company of Dr Linwood couldn’t dampen them again. Holtzmann took a shower and got dressed before she made herself a cup of coffee and sat down next to her kitchen window. She watched the snow fall gently and land on the window sill, and in the front yard of the tiny bungalow she lived in. It was all she could afford on her salary, but at least she finally had her own place and didn’t have to share with over-zealous first-years anymore.

When her cup was empty, she got dressed in heavy leather boots and a long, dark cloak, wrapped a scarf around her neck and put on gloves. Then she checked on her “experiment” – a machine she was building that would allow her to transform light waves into energy – and when she had made sure the machine was in no danger of overheating, she pushed her motorbike out of the garage and drove through the light snowfall to work.

One reason why Holtzmann had taken this job was that the university could provide her with her own office. That was one of the perks – she didn’t have to share a workspace with Dr Linwood, and whenever she felt like being on her own, she could shut her office door and take a nap for half an hour. But on this morning, Dr Linwood made sure she couldn’t hide there.

“Holtzmann,” he greeted her as soon as she had reached the third floor of the Department of Nuclear Science and Engineering. “You’re late. I need you in Lecture Hall 3 in about,” he looked at his watch, “well, five minutes ago, actually.”

“Yes, sir,” Holtzmann mumbled, wondering if he would notice if she used her portable laser to burn tiny holes into the dirty lab coat he was always wearing.

“Hurry up, girl,” Dr Linwood demanded, clapping his hands.

Holtzmann shivered. She hated it when Dr Linwood, or anyone, called her _girl_ , but especially when he did it because he did it a lot and she knew he was doing it to make her feel inadequate. Often, she tried to ignore it, but her good mood had left her vulnerable and open to his attempts at manipulating her, so she immediately felt bad about herself. With her shoulders slouched and her neck bent, she trudged after Dr Linwood to Lecture Hall 3 to sit through another one of his boring lectures. Sometimes, she asked herself if it was worth it.

Over Holtzmann’s lunch break, which she often spent back at home, her anger evaporated, and she felt elated again. Her house was still standing, and Dr Linwood had left for the day, so when she would return in the afternoon, he wouldn’t be there. She had also managed to get out of lab duty, the unthankful task of supervising students so they wouldn’t blow themselves up, and she was looking forward to spending some time on her own research.

Holtzmann loved the university campus, but she loved it even more covered in snow. During the afternoon, she didn’t get much work done because she stared out of the window and watched students and teachers walking along the paths, their feet leaving prints on the fresh white dust.

“You’re such a dreamer, Jillian,” Rebecca had always said to her, “you wouldn’t even notice the world exploding around you.”

Sometimes, Holtzmann wished that was true and she hadn’t noticed Rebecca slowly drifting away from her. But it had been so obvious that even she could see it. During autumn, she missed Rebecca the most, and when the first snow fell, she was always remembered of their first kiss. They had also broken up on a snowy day, albeit on one during early spring when the snow turned brown and slushy, forming small rivulets and disappearing into the ground.

Today, Holtzmann, decided, she wouldn’t let the memory of Rebecca get to her. Instead, she would do what she could to forget about her and how happy they had been together. Another perk of living in this town was that there was a lesbian bar not far from campus, and Holtzmann sometimes went there when she craved the company of others. This didn’t happen often, but today was one of these days.

Holtzmann finished up early and drove her bike to a busy street not far from campus. She guessed there wouldn’t be many people at the bar yet, since it was a Monday and early in the evening, but when she pushed the door open, it was quite busy already.

“The snow drives them inside,” Holtzmann heard the bartender tell another customer when she climbed a stool.

She ordered the usual, a brandy, and turned around, so she faced the room. Holtzmann didn’t come here to find the love of her life – she wasn’t sure if she was ready for such a commitment yet – but she had found nights of good fun and great sex here, and today she was in the mood for both.

When her bartender handed her the drink, Holtzmann had already spotted a woman she would like to get to know better. She had dark hair which brushed her shoulders every time she moved her head, and she was absorbed in a book, which Holtzmann found unusual for someone sitting in a bar. She was intrigued. She downed her brandy and pushed herself away from the bar. Using her most confident swagger, she made her way over to the woman, who was sitting at a table on her own.

“Hi,” Holtzmann said, making the woman look up. “Is this seat taken?” She pointed to an empty chair opposite the woman.

“Go ahead,” the woman said with a wave of her hand.

Holtzmann sat down. “What’s your name?” she asked.

The woman, who had already returned to her book, looked up again. “Excuse me?” she asked in a strained voice. “I thought you wanted to take the chair.”

Holtzmann refused to be discouraged by the woman’s cold manner, so she said, “No, I wanted to sit with you for a bit.”

The woman put the book on the table, spine turned upwards. “I’m Marian,” she answered, “and I don’t want to be rude, but I’m trying to finish my book.”

“I’m Jillian, but please, call me Holtzmann,” Holtzmann said, extending her hand.

Marian shook it, looking confused. “So, is Holtzmann your first name?”

Holtzmann laughed. It worked every time and always got their attention. “No, it’s my last name, but I don’t really like Jillian. So, what are you reading?”

“It’s a novel,” Marian answered, “ _The Passion_. I’m teaching a class on it.”

“You teach at the university?” Holtzmann asked. “I work there as well.”

Suddenly, a pained look crossed Marion’s face. “Oh no, I’m sorry, I don’t get involved with people from work.”

Holtzmann’s face fell. “But I work in a completely different department. I’m an engineer.”

“Be that as it may, there’s still the possibility of this ending badly and I don’t want to run into you at work,” Marian insisted. “I’m sorry, you seem like a nice person, but I don’t want to get mixed up in a workplace romance.”

Holtzmann knew it was no use arguing with Marian. Telling her she was only looking for a one-night stand would probably make things worse, so Holtzmann apologised for interrupting Marian’s reading and decided to call it a night.


	2. Chance Meeting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Holtzmann didn’t talk much to her other colleagues. Except for Dr Linwood who, with his ideas about what a research assistant should be, insisted on interacting with her on a regular basis, Holtzmann didn’t work on getting to know any of the others. She was used to keeping to herself and didn’t mind it, and she also didn’t want to get closer to her colleagues because she had yet to meet one she could trust.

Holtzmann didn’t talk much to her other colleagues. Except for Dr Linwood who, with his ideas about what a research assistant should be, insisted on interacting with her on a regular basis, Holtzmann didn’t work on getting to know any of the others. She was used to keeping to herself and didn’t mind it, and she also didn’t want to get closer to her colleagues because she had yet to meet one she could trust.

The next morning, Holtzmann wished there was someone at work she could rant to about the previous evening. Or just someone she could discuss her private life with. It wasn’t often that she felt this way, but after having been in this job for two and a half months, she began missing someone she could talk to about her everyday life. Back at her old job, this person had been Rebecca, but at this university, Holtzmann was on her own.

When she arrived at work, feeling well rested but also frustrated, since the evening hadn’t gone as planned, the department’s secretary stopped her from rushing to her office straight away.

“Miss Holtzmann, one moment, please,” she said in her stern voice, her forehead in wrinkles. “Dr Linwood has called in sick today, he wants you to cancel his classes and set the students a compensatory homework.”

Holtzmann, who had been prepared to shoot a snarky remark at the secretary, regretted having judged her prematurely. “Will do,” she said, and continued walking down the corridor to her office, a bounce in her step. When she turned a corner, busy thinking about how lucky she was today, she oversaw a woman walking in the opposite direction, and bumped into her.

“Watch where you’re going!” the woman shouted, dropping a stack of papers and a potted plant she had been carrying.

The plant and soil spilled down Holtzmann’s shirt. “Watch it, lady,” was Holtzmann’s reply, as she tried to minimise brown stains on her outfit by trying to catch the pot.

The woman glared at Holtzmann. “You bumped into me,” she stated.

Having secured the plant, Holtzmann had time to pay attention to her opposite. For a second, she thought it was Marian. She had dark brown hair and a fringe, her nose was wrinkled in anger, her arms were crossed in front of her chest. But she was shorter than Marian had been, her hair was slightly longer, and she had the most beautiful eyes Holtzmann had ever seen. She couldn’t help but stare.

“Hello?” her opposite said, waving one hand in front of Holtzmann’s face. “Are you going to apologise?”

“Sorry,” Holtzmann mumbled immediately. “You just reminded me of someone.”

“Not about the staring, about my plant and my notes,” the woman sighed.

“I’m very sorry about that too,” Holtzmann admitted and crouched down to pick up the papers.

The woman joined her and stopped her by snatching a paper away right from under Holtzmann’s outstretched hand. “Leave it, you’ll just make a greater mess. They were in a very specific order.”

Holtzmann stopped picking up the papers, but remained in a kneeling position, so she could talk to the woman eye to eye. “I’m Jillian Holtzmann,” she introduced herself. “I’m Dr Linwood’s assistant.”

“Erin Gilbert,” the woman said, not looking at Holtzmann. “Well, Dr Erin Gilbert, actually.”

“Do you work here?” Holtzmann wanted to know, not sure if she had seen this Dr Erin Gilbert around.

Erin looked at her as if she wasn’t sure whether Holtzmann was joking or not. “I’m an assistant professor here,” she said finally. “My office is right next to Dr Linwood’s.”

Holtzmann blushed. Now she remembered seeing Erin around sometimes. She couldn’t have seen her often because she usually tended to avoid Dr Lindwood’s office whenever possible, but it was still embarrassing that she hadn’t recognised Erin as one of the assistant professors, especially because she was a very cute one.

To mask her embarrassment, Holtzmann said, “Are you one of the assistant professors who is up for tenure?”

“Yes,” Erin said, sounding surprised. “I’m surprised you know what that is, judging by how you don’t even know your colleagues.”

“I’m new,” Holtzmann said immediately.

Erin’s face softened a bit as she picked up the last couple of papers. “That’s understandable then,” she said, standing up.

Holtzmann followed her. “What are you specialising in?” she wanted to know.

Instead of answering, Erin glanced down Holtzmann’s shirt. “You’re full of dirt,” she observed. “Let me put these papers away and then I’ll help you clean up.”

Holtzmann wanted to protest, but Erin had already rushed around the corner and pushed open the door to her office, so all Holtzmann did was stand where Erin had left her, the destroyed plant on the floor next to her. Erin was back right away and told Holtzmann to follow her to the bathroom.

“What a shame about your lovely outfit,” Erin sighed, as she pushed open the door to the bathroom.

“It’s just old clothes,” Holtzmann said with a wave of her hand, but Erin refused to listen to her.

“You need to be more careful in future,” she reprimanded Holtzmann, “especially when going around corners.”

“I won’t be if it means you’ll touch me like that,” Holtzmann replied, nodding toward Erin’s hands – with one hand, she was holding Holtzmann’s shirt in place, the other one she used to scrub at said shirt with a damp cloth.

As soon as Holtzmann had said it, she wanted to take it back because Erin let go of her immediately. “I’m sure you’ll be able to finish up on your own,” she said, not looking at Holtzmann.

Holtzmann did as she was told. “I’m sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable.”

“No, no, you didn’t,” Erin replied immediately. “I just remembered that I still have a bunch of papers to grade. I hope I see you around though.”

“It was nice meeting you,” Holtzmann said.

“You, too.” Erin smiled at her apologetically as she pushed open the door to the bathroom. “See you.”

Holtzmann finished cleaning up but didn’t do a great job because she was too distracted thinking about Erin. Why hadn’t she noticed her before? Thinking about the way her nose had wrinkled gave Holtzmann butterflies in her stomach. And Erin was an assistant professor, working on getting her tenure, which meant that she must be intelligent, and Holtzmann had a thing for intelligent women. The only thing that had bothered her was the blouse Erin had been wearing: dark brown with small, red dots on it and frills around the neck and wrists. Holtzmann was sure Erin would look better without it.

There was only the small issue of how Erin had reacted to Holtzmann’s attempts to flirt with her. Granted, Holtzmann could be a bit much and it hadn’t been her smoothest pick-up line, but she was a bit taken aback by Erin’s sudden departure. _This doesn’t mean she’s straight_ , Holtzmann tried to calm herself. But at the moment, she had no evidence in favour of Erin being anything but straight.

Ignoring her responsibilities, Holtzmann made sure to find as many excuses as possible to walk past Erin’s office for the rest of the day. All she wanted to do was catch another glimpse of the woman who had so enchanted her, but the door was always shut. Maybe it was for the best – after all, she didn’t want to scare Erin away, like she had done in the bathroom.

Mostly, however, Holtzmann tried to pull herself together. Marian had been hot, and she wouldn’t have minded spending a night with her, but her feelings for Erin were completely different. Mostly, she wanted to get to know Erin better, and the last woman she had had those kinds of feelings for had been Rebecca. She kept reminding herself that it had only been a brief conversation, that Erin had probably already forgotten all about her, but she couldn’t help herself. If she had known that someone like Erin worked at the university, she would have made a better effort to get to know her colleagues.

On her way home, riding her bike through a snowstorm, Holtzmann tried to come up with an excuse to get to know Erin better, but she couldn’t think of anything except to ask her out on a date, and she didn’t want to do that, at least not yet. After all, she first had to determine whether Erin was interested in women or not.

Holtzmann had no idea how to get to know someone better as a colleague. Rebecca had done all the work, had approached Holtzmann, had offered her a research position, then had met with her over coffee and later dinner until it had been pretty obvious what her goal was. But Holtzmann couldn’t do that with Erin. Now more than ever she wished there was someone in her life she could ask how to proceed. The only thing she knew was that she had to proceed with caution.


	3. Coffee Date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A week passed until Holtzmann saw Erin again. It wasn’t for her lack of trying, but when Dr Linwood got back on Wednesday he insisted on catching up on a day’s work in a morning, so Holtzmann was very busy. When she was allowed to leave her office again on Thursday, she learned that Erin had left for a conference and wouldn’t return until the following Monday.

A week passed until Holtzmann saw Erin again. It wasn’t for her lack of trying, but when Dr Linwood got back on Wednesday he insisted on catching up on a day’s work in a morning, so Holtzmann was very busy. When she was allowed to leave her office again on Thursday, she learned that Erin had left for a conference and wouldn’t return until the following Monday.

All weekend long, Holtzmann was unable to get Erin out of her mind. She tried googling her but couldn’t find any information on her except for the usual things: where she had gone to high school and college, the papers she had published, and a video on YouTube of her giving a lecture.

This was something at least. Holtzmann watched the video a couple of times, but it was in such a low quality that it only made her crave seeing Erin in real life again more. So, on Monday morning, she arrived bright and early at work, determined to talk to Erin at least once.

“Dr Gilbert was looking for you,” the secretary stopped Holtzmann on her way in.

A grin spread across Holtzmann’s face when she heard this. “I’ll stop by her office right away,” she told the secretary.

Erin’s office was at the end of the corridor, the last door on the left before the hallway made a sharp turn to the right. Holtzmann had passed it countless times but had never asked herself what was lying behind it.

She knocked firmly on Erin’s door and immediately got a, “Come in,” as response. Holtzmann pushed open the door and carefully stepped inside, making sure she did it so slowly that it had a comical effect on Erin.

“What are you doing?” Erin wanted to know.

“I’m making sure you’re not going to assault me with a plant again,” Holtzmann answered.

This made Erin blush and Holtzmann thought she looked lovely with flushed cheeks and wondered if she would look the same after a heated make-out session but stopped her mind before it could go any further in that direction.

“That’s what I wanted to talk to you about,” Erin continued with a stern face.

Holtzmann looked at her expectantly. Today, Erin was wearing a navy-blue dress with a brown belt around her waist and the outfit would have looked better than the one she had been wearing last week, had it not been for the pink paisley scarf around Erin’s neck, which made her look at least 30 years older than she actually was.

“May I sit?” Holtzmann asked but didn’t wait for an answer. She slumped down in a chair in front of Erin’s desk, trying to look as casual as possible.

“I wanted to apologise again for what happened between us last week,” Erin said, deliberately focussing on a point just above Holtzmann’s right eyebrow. “I didn’t mean to snap at you when we bumped into each other. It was as much my fault as I thought it was yours.”

“Apology accepted,” Holtzmann said, clapping her hands together once.

“There is something else though,” Erin went on. “I was wondering if I could buy you coffee as a form of apology.”

“I’d love that,” Holtzmann answered, unable to believe her luck. “Are you free today?”

Erin looked at her in surprise. “Yes, during the afternoon. Let’s say around three o’clock in that small coffeeshop downstairs?”

Holtzmann had agreed to help Dr Linwood with one of his research papers that afternoon, but this was much more important than what an old man had to say on electromagnetic radiation.

“Sounds perfect,” Holtzmann agreed. “Do you want me to pick you up?”

Erin shook her head, another red flush spreading across her cheeks. “I’ll find the way on my own, don’t worry.”

Holtzmann’s morning passed in a blissful haze of expectation. She regretted having worried so much because Erin now had taken the first step to get to know her better, so she must be interested in Holtzmann. Also, Holtzmann didn’t buy her excuse that she wanted to apologise for dumping soil onto Holtzmann’s clothes because it hadn’t been that big of a deal.

When Holtzmann arrived at the coffeeshop, Erin was already waiting for her. She didn’t spot her right away, so Holtzmann took the liberty of watching Erin from afar while she ordered a hot chocolate at the counter. She didn’t know what she found so fascinating about Erin because Erin looked like a woman she normally wouldn’t pay attention to, but she had managed to capture Holtzmann’s entire attention.

“Good afternoon,” Holtzmann said, making Erin jump. “I didn’t mean to scare you,” she added quickly.

“Oh, don’t worry about it.” Erin’s eyes darted to Holtzmann’s cup of coffee. “You already ordered? I was hoping I could buy you a cup.”

“I’m contend if you just talk to me for an hour or so,” Holtzmann declined, sitting down. “Just tell me about yourself.”

Erin took a deep breath, but before she could say anything, Holtzmann continued.

“I can see by the way you sit that you must be very stressed. You carry a lot of tension in your shoulders.”

This made Erin giggle and Holtzmann’s heart jumped. “You’re absolutely right, I’m very stressed,” Erin confirmed. “I don’t know if tenure is something you’d be interested in but being up for tenure is the most exhausting position I’ve ever been in.”

Holtzmann had to bite her lip so she wouldn’t make a dumb remark. “I’m not thinking about that yet,” she answered, “I just moved here and started as a research assistant, so I’m still a couple of years away from thinking about being a professor. But I don’t think I’d go for that kind of career. I like to invent stuff about a million times more than being a teacher.”

“You’re an inventor?” Erin leaned forward, sounding very interested.

“I’m an engineer, but I love inventing things, yes,” Holtzmann continued.

For the next half hour, Holtzmann told Erin all about the machines she had already built, the ones that had worked and the ones that had exploded, and Erin listened to her, sometimes interrupting her with questions. All in all, Holtzmann thought, their _date_ was going well, since Erin seemed genuinely interested in her.

“I’ve gone on and on about myself,” Holtzmann said finally, “tell me a bit about your life.”

“You already know all the interesting things about me,” Erin said with a grimace. “I work as an assistant professor and I’m up for tenure.”

“And do you live close to campus?” Holtzmann tried to get Erin to open up.

“My house isn’t too far away, if the weather is nice, I sometimes walk to work.”

“And do you live alone or …?” Holtzmann asked, trying to sound as smoothly as possible.

“No, I live with my husband,” Erin answered.

“You’re husband?” Holtzmann echoed, completely taken by surprise.

“Yes, I’m married,” Erin said in a quiet voice, holding up her left hand, so Holtzmann could see her wedding ring. This was a detail she had missed about Erin. “His name is Phil and he also works here, but at the Department of Brain and Cognitive Sciences.”

“Of _Brain_?” Holtzmann repeated.

“Yes, he does research on the human brain,” Erin explained.

Holtzmann wanted to make a joke about how she had also wanted a career in that field, but instead, she decided to do the mature thing. “Have you been married long?”

“For two years,” Erin answered, but she looked uncomfortable with this topic of conversation.

Holtzmann didn’t know why, but she decided to change it. “I just got out of a long-term relationship,” she told Erin. “We were together for about one and a half years. She was one of the professors at my old university.”

If Erin had been phased by the use of the word _she_ she didn’t let it show. “Why did you break up?” she asked instead.

“We had different expectations of what our lives would be like and we drifted apart,” Holtzmann said with a shrug. She was still hurt by Rebecca pushing her away, but she wanted to act cool in front of Erin. “It might have been better this way because if we hadn’t broken up, then I wouldn’t have applied for this job here, and I would have never met you.”

“That would have been a shame for me but better for your clothes,” Erin said, attempting a flirty wink. All she manged to do was look very cute.

 _Is she flirting with me?_ Holtzmann wondered. Erin obviously didn’t want to talk about her marriage and her husband, but she had also been uncomfortable when Holtzmann had tried to flirt with her. Holtzmann had one rule – she didn’t get involved with someone who wasn’t 100 per cent free to be with her. But at this very moment, she had difficulty not giving into the urge of wanting to find out just how far Erin would go with her.

“My clothes are used to a lot more than that,” she finally replied, reciprocating the wink.

This time, Erin didn’t break eye contact with her.


	4. Bad Conscience

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Holtzmann had been twelve years old, she had come home from school one afternoon to her father packing a suitcase. He worked for a car retail company and had to travel to different offices around the country from time to time, so Holtzmann didn’t think too much of it until she went into the living room to find her mother crying. From then on, it didn’t take her long to put one and one together.

When Holtzmann had been twelve years old, she had come home from school one afternoon to her father packing a suitcase. He worked for a car retail company and had to travel to different offices around the country from time to time, so Holtzmann didn’t think too much of it until she went into the living room to find her mother crying. From then on, it didn’t take her long to put one and one together.

Her father left Holtzmann and her mother for another woman, one he had met on one of his business trips. She lived on the other side of the country, in San Francisco. At first, her father had only been looking for a one-night-stand and when he told Holtzmann this story a couple of years after moving out, Holtzmann forgave him for that. What she never forgave him for was falling in love with this woman and leaving their family. She was never quite sure if it had been her father’s fault or if this other woman had seduced him, but during this time she made the promise to herself never to get involved with a person who was in a relationship because she couldn’t stop thinking about how much it had hurt to be abandoned by her father like this.

So far, she had managed to stick to this resolution. Holtzmann enjoyed sex, just as much as she guessed her father did, but she wanted to prove to him that you didn’t have to go around tearing people apart to be close to someone for an hour or so. And even though Holtzmann was only interested in women, she didn’t have any difficulty finding women who were single or free to look for other sexual partners. It had all worked so well, until she met Dr Erin Gilbert.

Erin was married. And Erin was the most interesting woman Holtzmann had met in years, maybe ever. During all the years she had stuck religiously to her resolution, she had failed to take any precautions in case she met someone who was as brilliant, gorgeous, fascinating, and definitely not single as Erin. Holtzmann had no idea why Erin had such a strong pull over her. Usually, she had a thing for women who were dominant, very sure of themselves, and knew what they wanted. Even though she was often attracted to women in feminine clothes, Erin’s outfits were too much for her. Usually, she wouldn’t glance twice at a woman like Erin.

But here she was, in bed, after their coffee date, unable to get Erin out of her mind. The way she had hugged Holtzmann when they had said goodbye, their cheeks pressing together. The way she had used her thumb to brush milk foam off Holtzmann’s upper lip. The way she had flirted with Holtzmann and hadn’t minded Holtzmann flirting back.

When Holtzmann received this kind of attention from a woman who was married or otherwise engaged, she told this woman that she wasn’t interested in trying anything with her. She knew damn well that she should have made these boundaries clear to Erin over coffee, but she hadn’t been able to. For some reason she couldn’t even explain to herself she was way too excited to see where this was going.

On the other hand, she also knew she shouldn’t be doing what she was doing and keep away from Erin if this was what it took to set boundaries. Erin wasn’t the one to blame if Holtzmann failed to inform her of her rules, but maybe it was better if Holtzmann broke her heart before anything could develop between them. From what she had seen so far, Erin seemed quite willing to flirt with Holtzmann and this had the potential of being very dangerous for the both of them.

Still, Holtzmann found herself unable to keep away from Erin. She stopped seeking her out to engage with her, but she couldn’t stop the urge of wanting to see her. Holtzmann knew it wasn’t right, but she had managed to get her hands on Erin’s timetable by bribing the secretary, and now often wandered past Erin’s classrooms when she was teaching. Erin had an incredibly endearing flush on her cheeks when she was in front of a class, talking about something she was passionate about. Holtzmann leaned against the door when Erin was in class, using a small glass window – one every door had on this campus – to watch her. Her outfits grew more outrageous with each day and Holtzmann wanted to believe that Erin was only dressing like this to provoke her into tearing them off her.

Holtzmann watching Erin teach would often end by Erin almost noticing Holtzmann, which Holtzmann wanted to avoid, so she rushed back to her own office. If Erin noticed – which Holtzmann prayed she didn’t – she never said something to Holtzmann about it.

Then there was the option of running into Erin _by chance_ while she was making herself a coffee in the kitchen. Holtzmann loved this option because it gave her the chance to see and maybe talk to Erin, but there were often also other people around, so Holtzmann wouldn’t get any ideas. Erin looked happy to see her every time Holtzmann wandered into the kitchen and immediately asked her how her day was going. Holtzmann then did the same and they spent a couple of minutes in each other’s company, chatting. Once Holtzmann got back to her office, she had to lay her head against the cooling window glass for a couple of minutes to catch her breath. Erin didn’t even need to touch her to get her all worked up, seeing her and making her smile, maybe earning a compliment from her was enough for Holtzmann to ache with longing and for the first time in her life, she regretted setting herself such strict rules.

The Sunday after the coffee date – it was the beginning of December, Holtzmann was sitting on her sofa, staring into space. She was trying to recap all the decisions she had made that led her to implement such strict rules in her life. Had there really been that much damage when her father had left? Had her mother not been unhappy in their relationship anyway and when she met her current husband had suddenly been much happier? Maybe someone being married didn’t mean they had settled for life. People changed and when Erin was happier leaving her husband than staying with him, was Holtzmann really to blame for helping her realise that?

And who said anything about Holtzmann ruining Erin’s relationship? Was having sex once already ruining it? Holtzmann couldn’t tell if she wanted more than sex. After all, Rebecca leaving her hadn’t even been a year ago, the wounds were still fresh, albeit healing. Yes, she wanted to get to know Erin and she wanted to spend time with her, but maybe, just maybe, a one-night-stand would be enough to satisfy her cravings. And she couldn’t tell as long as she hadn’t slept with Erin.

But did Erin really want to sleep with her? Or just get closer to her? She had been embarrassed when talking about her husband, but that didn’t mean she was unhappy in her relationship. Maybe she was just looking for a friend and was trying to befriend Holtzmann. After all, had she really been flirting with her?

Again, Holtzmann wished there was someone she could ask for advice. Maybe she should just talk to Erin and ask her what she wanted. But a couple of brief conversations and a coffee date didn’t justify Holtzmann confronting Erin with these kinds of questions. Erin probably wouldn’t know what was coming to her. No, Holtzmann would just have to wait and see how things between them were developing, however hard this might be when they didn’t have an excuse to spend a lot of time together.

Holtzmann’s phone had been ringing for a couple of times, but she hadn’t noticed. When she got a cramp in her foot and was pulled back from her trying to come up with an action plan concerning Erin, she heard her phone for the first time.

“Yes?” she asked, not looking at the caller ID.

“Good evening, Jillian, this is Dr Linwood speaking,” said the person on the other end of the line. “I know it’s late and I wouldn’t call you if this wasn’t important, but a problem has come up at work and you were the first person that came to mind.”

Holtzmann sighed deeply. It was just like Dr Linwood to harass her during her free time as well.

“Miss Travis has fallen ill,” Dr Linwood continued.

“Who?” Holtzmann asked.

“Your colleague, Stacie Travis, who started working with us on the same day as you,” Dr Linwood explained. Holtzmann guessed that something must be seriously wrong because he didn’t snap at her for not knowing this. “We don’t know when she will be back, but she’s been working on a project with Dr Gilbert. Dr Gilbert needs an assistant and I hoped you’d be free to do this job, starting tomorrow morning.”


	5. Research Phase

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Holtzmann arrived at work bright and early, excited to start her new job with Erin. Dr Linwood had agreed to give her some time off her usual duties because Erin desperately needed to finish that project.

Holtzmann arrived at work bright and early, excited to start her new job with Erin. Dr Linwood had agreed to give her some time off her usual duties because Erin desperately needed to finish that project.

Holtzmann had, of course, spent all night thinking about what this new closeness to Erin meant for her. She had come to the conclusion it would be easiest to keep her distance, at least emotionally. Working in the same department and having an affair was one thing but working on the same project and having an affair was another. And maybe, just maybe, she had imagined Erin flirting with her anyway.

As soon as Holtzmann arrived at work, she dropped by Erin’s office, eager to get started.

“Good morning,” she said brightly, entering without knocking.

Erin looked startled. “Good morning,” she replied. “Can I help you?”

“I thought I could help _you_ ,” Holtzmann said. “Dr Linwood called me yesterday, telling me your assistant got sick. Apparently, I should help you finish some big project.”

“That’s the first I’m hearing about that.” Erin seemed genuinely confused. “Stacie is sick?”

“I’m guessing it’s something serious if you need a substitute,” Holtzmann said with a shrug. She was a bit offended that Erin wasn’t jumping with glee at the prospect of working together with her. “Do you want me to talk to Dr Linwood?”

“No, no, but I’ll call Stacie,” Erin said. “Give me a couple of minutes, I’ll come see you in your office later.”

Holtzmann scuffled off to her office, still feeling disappointed by Erin’s reaction. She was sure it was just a misunderstanding and Erin would apologise in a minute, but her spirits were still slightly dampened. She just hoped she had understood Dr Linwood correctly and would indeed be working with Erin.

Half an hour after Holtzmann had settled in her office, there was a knock on her door.

“Hi,” Erin said breathlessly, pushing the door open.

“Please come in,” Holtzmann said, trying to act aloof.

“So, I just talked to Dr Lindwood,” Erin continued, closing the door and leaning against it. “You were right, Stacie _is_ really sick, and I would appreciate it if you had some time to help me finish my project.”

“Sure,” Holtzmann replied. “I’d love that, actually.”

Erin smiled broadly. “Wonderful! That’s perfect. Thank you so much.” She walked closer to Holtzmann’s desk, around it, and leaned her hip against the desktop. “Do you need me to brief you or did Dr Linwood already give you all the information?”

Holtzmann couldn’t believe her luck to suddenly be so close to Erin. She swallowed, cursing herself for feeling a hot flush spreading across her face. “No, he didn’t tell me anything,” she answered. “Just that you need my help. And I really wanted to help you. I mean, I really wanted to do something else besides taking notes of his lectures all day.”

“For a moment there I thought it was because you would get to work with me,” Erin said in a teasing tone of voice.

“I cannot deny that,” Holtzmann returned, “but I also won’t confirm it. You’ll have to find out for yourself.”

So Erin did just that. The next week they worked closely together, mostly on their own in the department’s lab, where Erin conducted research for her project. Dr Linwood hadn’t told Holtzmann the entire truth. The project was still in its research phase and it would take at least until summer until Erin was finished. Unfortunately, this didn’t mean that Holtzmann would assist her for several months. Their arrangement would end as soon as the research phase was over.

Holtzmann had never been happier. She got to experiment without Dr Linwood discrediting her every move, and she got to spend time with Erin. It was a win-win situation. From the way Erin treated her, she was sure she felt the same.

On Tuesday morning, she brought Holtzmann coffee and a doughnut to work. Even though Holtzmann didn’t like coffee that much, she drank it anyway, and discovered it wasn’t as bad as she had remembered. Then they spent most of the morning quietly working alongside each other, until Erin suggested a lunch break which lasted two hours. They swapped stories about their college years; Holtzmann amused Erin with her tale of how she had tried to break into a lab, convinced it was a classroom, and had almost been expelled, and Erin told Holtzmann about the time she had spilled tea over incredibly expensive equipment.

On Wednesday, for the first time, Holtzmann saw Erin in an outfit that wasn’t completely horrible. She wore an old pair of jeans and a black turtleneck pullover, which fitted her incredibly well, and Holtzmann couldn’t help but stare when Erin came in through the door.

“I’m sorry, I’m not teaching today,” Erin apologised, misinterpreting Holtzmann’s stare.

“You look beautiful,” Holtzmann blurted out.

Erin blushed. “Thank you. This is just my casual outfit, I would never wear this to class.”

“You should,” Holtzmann encouraged her. “It looks very good at you.”

Erin wrinkled her nose. “But it’s not very academic, I don’t look like a good researcher.”

“I’m sorry to tell you this, but your other outfits are a bit … old-fashioned and outdated,” Holtzmann said. “I don’t mean it in a bad way, but you should really wear what you’re wearing right now more often.”

“I might,” Erin agreed, not looking at Holtzmann directly.

On Thursday, Erin’s usual outfits were back, but she had toned it down a bit.

“Teaching a class today?” Holtzmann wanted to know.

“I just wanted to have your opinion on this one,” Erin said, showing off her matching skirt and blazer. “I was thinking of wearing it to the department’s Christmas party.”

“It’s much too formal,” Holtzmann blurted out. “It suits you, but you still look old-fashioned.”

“What would you recommend I change?” Erin wanted to know. She didn’t sound annoyed or exasperated, but genuinely interested.

“You could take off the blazer, for starters,” Holtzmann told her. “Only wear a blazer if you’re wearing jeans. Otherwise you look like the CEO of a bank.”

Erin slowly got out of the blazer and carefully hung it across the back of a chair. “What do you think?”

“Much better,” Holtzmann said with a pleased sigh. “But I’m still not sure about other things.”

“Like?” Erin asked in a challenging tone of voice.

Holtzmann walked to Erin and raised one of her hands. “Do you mind if I touch you?” she asked.

“Go ahead,” Erin agreed.

Holtzmann pulled on Erin’s shirt until it was freed from being tucked in. In the process, her fingers brushed the bare skin of Erin’s stomach, but Erin didn’t show any reaction, so Holtzmann thought she hadn’t even noticed. She was getting too close to Erin and she was well aware of that, but the sensations Erin gave her were too sweet to stop now.

Holtzmann grabbed the front of Erin’s shirt and carefully tucked it back into the waistband of the skirt until Erin looked more comfortable and yet fashionable.

“We’re getting there,” she told Erin. “But I would advise you to wear a different skirt to the Christmas party. This one looks a bit too much like First Lady.”

“I feel weird,” Erin told her, “too casual.”

Holtzmann snorted with laughter. “Erin, I’m trying to tell you, you wouldn’t look out of place at the White House in that outfit.”

Erin took a deep breath. “What else then?” she asked.

“Your hair,” Holtzmann said, lightly touching Erin’s hair. It was softer than it looked, but those thoughts were only distracting her. “Your haircut is nice, and it really suits you, especially the bangs. You look very cute.”

“But?” Erin prompted.

“But I wouldn’t wear your hair open all the time, especially when we’re working in the lab. Instead, try to tie it back in a ponytail or something.”

“Okay,” Erin nodded. “I might, but not for the Christmas party.”

“There is only so much I can do,” Holtzmann sighed with mock-resignation in her voice.

“Don’t be silly,” Erin told her, brushing her arm in what was meant to be a fake hit. “I really appreciate your fashion advice.”

Holtzmann shrugged. “I learned a lot when I was trying to get women out of their clothes,” she said casually.

This made Erin blush again. “Are you good at that?” she asked, acknowledging Holtzmann’s attraction to women for the first time.

“It depends on the woman,” Holtzmann explained. “With some it’s easier, with others harder, but there are also the ones which whom you have no luck at all.”

“But are _you_ good at it?” Erin repeated.

“If the woman is willing, yes,” Holtzmann confirmed. “I can be quite good at … seducing.”

They were venturing onto dangerous territory. Holtzmann hoped Erin wouldn’t make a remark about wanting to be seduced by her.

“Huh,” Erin made. “I can definitely see that. You’re quite attractive … for a research assistant.”


	6. Christmas Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A skiing trip with her husband. That’s all Erin had told her. A surprise skiing trip … it took Holtzmann by surprise, all right. She had so been looking forward to talking to Erin and getting drunk with her during the Christmas party, but now Erin wouldn’t be there.

A skiing trip with her husband. That’s all Erin had told her. A surprise skiing trip … it took Holtzmann by surprise, all right. She had so been looking forward to talking to Erin and getting drunk with her during the Christmas party, but now Erin wouldn’t be there.

 _Skiing_. Holtzmann loved skiing. She hadn’t told Erin this when Erin had informed her of her betrayal, but she would love nothing more than to go skiing with Erin. She imagined them together in a ski hut, no electricity or heating, just an oversized fireplace, Erin cuddling up to her for warmth. Then Erin would stumble while gliding down the mountain and Holtzmann would have to catch her. She couldn’t imagine anything more romantic.

Holtzmann would go to the Christmas party, Erin or no Erin. She loved Christmas and appreciated every opportunity to celebrate it. It would have been more fun with Erin there, but Holtzmann was still determined to have a good time nonetheless.

While she got dressed, she couldn’t help but wonder what kind of outfit Erin would have worn. Even though Holtzmann had given her some advice, she was not sure Erin would have managed to dress appropriately. She wasn’t the best when it came to accepting constructive criticism. Holtzmann had to imagine Erin in a stiff skirt and dark stockings, a blouse with too many frills, and a matching blazer, and her heart gave a tug. This wasn’t fair.

Holtzmann opted for a more unconventional outfit in the form of dark trousers and a Christmas shirt displaying a snowman with a Santa Claus hat. This was appropriate attire for the department’s Christmas party, especially in combination with a dark, woollen jacket that gave everything a Christmassy feel.

It had stopped snowing, but it was quite cold. For that reason, Holtzmann left her bike in the garage and took a taxi instead. She also didn’t want to drink and drive, and she was planning on getting very drunk. She could never resist free alcohol.

Thanks to her hyperfixation on Erin, Holtzmann had also not made any friends during the third month at the university. She didn’t really know anyone at the Christmas party, except for Dr Linwood, if he decided to show up. In her experience, older researchers tended to avoid those kinds of gatherings – Rebecca had always thought them to be boring and beneath her. With Erin gone, Holtzmann thought this might be a good opportunity to broaden her horizon and get to know some of her fellow colleagues.

The Christmas party took place in the department’s lounge. It was a spacious room right next to the entrance, which was usually used by senior lecturers and professors to sit together during lunch break and discuss their research. It was mostly occupied by heavy leather sofas to accentuate the importance of the minds at work here. For the party, the sofas had been pushed up against the walls to free space in the middle. Someone had carried in two heavy wooden desks and had draped white sheets over them. Then they had been laden with sandwiches, Christmas cookies, and punch. It looked mouth-wateringly delicious.

There were already many people there when Holtzmann arrived. She always made sure to come late, so she wouldn’t have to sit around in awkward silence with two or three other colleagues. This way, she could focus on the food and then maybe look around for someone to talk to.

So she did just that. As soon as she had arrived, she headed for the buffet and picked a big sandwich, which she devoured in a couple of seconds before considering her other options. There were a couple of other sandwiches on display, but none looked as interesting as the one Holtzmann had just had. So she turned to the punch, determined to get as drunk as possible in a short amount of time while nibbling on Christmas cookies.

“You’re Jillian, right?” a woman asked Holtzmann as she refilled her glass with the cloying punch.

“Please, call me Holtzmann,” she replied, sizing the woman up.

She was no Erin, but she had better fashion sense. She wore a red dress with high shoes, high enough to push all the right buttons for Holtzmann, but not so high as to make her look cheap. Holtzmann was flattered that this woman wanted to talk to her but thinking about Erin made her act with caution.

“Holtzmann,” the woman repeated with a nod. “I’ve heard a lot about you. You’re Dr Linwood’s assistant, aren’t you?”

“Well,” Holtzmann said with a frown, something she had adopted from Erin, “at the moment I’m working a lot with Dr Erin Gilbert.”

“That woman with the funny dresses?” her opposite asked. “What’s that like?”

Holtzmann downed her glass of punch to be able to give a calm reply. “And you are?” she asked.

“Oh yes, I’m sorry,” the woman said, extending a hand. “I’m Evette Josephson, I work in accounting.”

Holtzmann shook her hand. “You’re not a researcher?” she tried to clarify.

“God, no,” Evette replied. “I never got into academics much, I’m a very down-to-earth person.”

“More down-to-earth than Erin, you mean.”

“Not necessarily,” Evette said with a shake of her head. “More down-to-earth than most of you, you included. But that’s what I find attractive.” Evette touched Holtzmann’s arm lightly with her open palm.

Even though Holtzmann thought Evette to be quite standoffish, she couldn’t help but bask in the attention she was receiving. “You picked the right job then,” Holtzmann concluded. “Can I get you anything to drink?”

Evette eyed the bowl of punch. “A glass of punch would be nice,” she said.

Holtzmann filled a glass for Evette and refilled her own. “Have you worked at this university for long?” she asked.

“It’s two years this January,” Evette answered. “You just started, right?”

“How come you know so much about me?” Holtzmann asked.

Evette shrugged. “I’ve seen you around.”

“And do you like what you see?” Holtzmann was beginning to feel fuzzy from all the alcohol.

Evette stepped closer to her. “Yes, I do,” she said. Now her hand was on Holtzmann’s butt. “I would like to get to know you better, Holtzmann,” she whispered into her ear.

Holtzmann felt her head swimming, but then she remembered Erin blushing when Holtzmann had given her fashion advice and that was enough to bring her back. Why was she ruining a night of fun with this woman who was obviously interested in her? Erin hadn’t even bothered to show up, it was her loss.

Holtzmann tried to push her thoughts about Erin away as she whispered back, “This is a very good setting for that, don’t you think? Free alcohol, all the opportunity to loosen inhibitions?”

“Why don’t you tell me a bit about yourself?” Evette asked, taking a step back.

Holtzmann immediately missed the contact. “What do you want to know?”

“What are you specialising in?”

“I don’t think this is the right topic for this kind of conversation,” Holtzmann replied with a snort. “It’s all very theoretical and I’m scared I will bore you.”

“Nothing about you could bore me,” Evette assured her.

Holtzmann glanced around the room for inspiration. How could she best explain her research field? This was a very hard question – she often couldn’t explain it to herself.

Her gaze briefly lingered on the door where there was a tiny commotion. Someone was trying to get into the already stuffy room. On second glance, Holtzmann realised it was a woman, but it took her another couple of seconds to recognise Erin.

Erin, not gone skiing at all. Erin, in a short black dress, her hair tied back in a ponytail, not a single frill in sight.

Holtzmann couldn’t take her eyes off her. Now she could definitely feel the alcohol in the form of a dull pounding against her forehead, but her heart was racing and her palms were sweaty and she had to gasp for air, and that definitely wasn’t the alcohol’s fault. Erin looked much more beautiful than Holtzmann could ever have imagined her to look, and all she wanted to do was rush to her side, take her hand, and kiss it.

“Holtzmann?” Evette asked, bringing her back from her fantasies on how to woo Erin. “You were trying to explain something to me?”

“Yes, sorry,” Holtzmann apologised, not meaning it at all and not taking her eyes off Erin.

“Am I boring you?” Evette was following Holtzmann’s gaze.

“No, Evette, not at all,” Holtzmann assured her, turning back to her opposite. “It’s very hard to explain what I’m doing. If you want, I can show you sometime, whenever you have time to come by the lab.”

“I’d love that,” Evette exclaimed.

Holtzmann heard this reaction only at the edge of her consciousness. Her mind was already back on Erin. What would her dress feel like under Holtzmann’s palms? The fabric? The swell of Erin’s breasts? What would Erin’s lips on hers feel like? Should she walk over there and find out?


	7. Holtzmann's Decision

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Holtzmann wanted to rush to Erin’s side and tell her how beautiful she looked, but she had been raised the right way. She couldn’t let Evette standing there without finish the conversation first, it would be impolite. Erin was busy anyway, because as soon as she had entered, one of the older professors had rushed to her side, eager to start a conversation.

Holtzmann wanted to rush to Erin’s side and tell her how beautiful she looked, but she had been raised the right way. She couldn’t let Evette standing there without finish the conversation first, it would be impolite. Erin was busy anyway, because as soon as she had entered, one of the older professors had rushed to her side, eager to start a conversation.

“In which lab are you working?” Evette was asking, disrupting Holtzmann’s thoughts about when would be the right time to say her goodbyes and go talk to Erin.

“We’re in the teachers’ lab,” Holtzmann answered slowly, “Erin … I mean, Dr Gilbert and I.”

“Do I have access to that as a non-researcher or do I need special permission?” Evette was touching Holtzmann’s arm again, trying very hard to win back her attention.

Holtzmann guessed there was nothing wrong with humouring Evette. “I think you need to ask permission,” she answered, her voice a low rumble, her lips close to Evette’s ear. “I don’t think I can let you in otherwise.”

She felt Evette shiver and it was satisfactory to know that she still had this power over women. Erin made her doubt it sometimes.

Speaking of Erin – she was looking at Holtzmann and Evette while the professor talked to her, seemingly not hearing one word of what he was saying. Holtzmann wasn’t able to fully understand what was going on with Erin’s face, but if she read her look correctly, and it wasn’t just wishful thinking, Erin looked jealous.

 _That’s funny,_ Holtzmann thought. Wasn’t Erin the one who was married? She had no business being jealous when Holtzmann was just talking to another woman, since they didn’t have any sort of agreement. They hadn’t even talked about being anything more than colleagues. Holtzmann had no idea that this was something Erin wanted, but the looks she shot them were pretty obvious.

“What sort of permission would I need?” Evette was saying. “Is it enough if I see you about it or do I need to talk to someone else as well?”

Holtzmann pretended to be thinking about this. “It should be fine if you just talk to me,” she answered slowly, again standing very close to Evette. “But I have to warn you … I’m not handing out such a permission lightly. You might have to do things for me.”

Holtzmann was very dunk by now, but she still refilled her glass a fourth time. Under normal circumstances, she would have removed herself from this situation a long time ago. But Evette smelled way too nicely and Erin was looking so jealous that Holtzmann couldn’t help but grin from ear to ear.

“Do you want another drink?” she asked Evette.

“Yes, please,” Evette said, handing Holtzmann her glass.

Holtzmann refilled hers as well, drowning the space around the bowl with the red liquid.

“Careful,” Evette reprimanded her, rushing to her aid.

“I’m sorry,” Holtzmann apologised, her words slurring.

“Maybe we should sit down,” Evette suggested, “just for a couple of minutes.”

Holtzmann agreed and they sank into one of the leather sofas, which was standing right next to the buffet. Despite her drunken state, Holtzmann noticed that the crowd was beginning to thin. A glance at her watch told her that it was already past eleven, so it was not surprising that people were leaving.

Evette immediately settled in comfortably next to Holtzmann, crossing her legs and brushing with her foot against Holtzmann’s thigh. Holtzmann took a sip of her punch to have an excuse for why her face was so red. Then she realised she had a much better view of Erin from down here because she could look directly at her and didn’t have to turn around awkwardly. This was an improvement as well.

“You’re drunk, aren’t you?” Evette giggled next to her.

“A bit,” Holtzmann admitted, “but I’ve been drunker.”

“When you were a student yourself?” Evette wanted to know.

“Exactly,” Holtzman nodded. “There were many evenings when I was much drunker than this, but that’s the time to get it out of your system, isn’t it?”

“Me too,” Evette said with a soft smile.

People were waving goodbye to each other and Holtzmann had the feeling the party would be over soon. She quickly tried to decide between going home with Evette and getting up the nerve to talk to Erin. Erin didn’t look like she would be leaving before Holtzmann and Evette, just to make sure they were going into different directions.

What would Holtzmann even say to Erin? Should she ask her why she was staring at her like that? Or should she pretend nothing was wrong and just go and talk to her, maybe about something work-related. She could make a compliment about the outfit, because Erin looked especially beautiful tonight and she had put a lot of thought into what to wear, but there was still the small problem of Evette clinging onto her.

And it was Holtzmann’s fault. She had encouraged it. There was nothing wrong with Evette. She was beautiful and funny, and much easier to deal with than Erin was right now. Holtzmann had made sure to check her hands and Evette wasn’t wearing a wedding ring. Or any other kind of ring.

Going home with Evette would be so easy. They could spend a fun night together, maybe even a fun weekend (if Evette was up for that sort of thing) – and Holtzmann wouldn’t get caught up in a deteriorating relationship. But every time she looked at Erin, she felt a hot flush spread across her cheeks and her whole body was aching to be close to Erin, despite Evette practically sitting on her lap by now.

Then Evette asked her what she had been waiting for the whole evening. “So, are you coming home with me tonight?” Her hand was in Holtzmann’s hair and Holtzmann found it incredibly hard to resist her.

“I was just thinking the same,” Holtzmann admitted.

“We already think alike, that’s a good start,” Evette said in a low purr.

“Then I’m sorry to have to disappoint you, but I won’t be coming with you,” Holtzmann apologised. “Too much alcohol.” She flinched. It was only partly true, but she wouldn’t be leaving without talking to Erin.

Evette sighed disappointedly. “That’s a shame. Can I come by your office on Monday, maybe take you out for coffee?”

“I’ll let you know,” Holtzmann said with a wink to take the sting out of it.

“I’ll be heading home then,” Evette decided. She gave Holtzmann a kiss on her cheek. “Have a lovely evening.”

“You too,” Holtzmann replied.

She was already shaking with nerves at the prospect of talking to Erin soon, so she didn’t pay much attention to Evette leaving. When she realised, there weren’t many people left and the professor Erin had been talking to was nowhere in sight, Holtzmann realised she didn’t have any other choice than to engage Erin in conversation.

She stood up carefully and marched over to where Erin was standing in a corner, trying to hide how drunk she was.

“Hi,” she breathed, breathless from the short walk and from being so close to Erin. “You look beautiful tonight.”

“I do?” Erin said, scrunching up her face and blushing. “I was trying to implement what you told me.”

“You did well,” Holtzmann complimented her. “I couldn’t take my eyes off you all evening.”

Erin scoffed. “It didn’t look like it. How was the woman you were talking to all night?”

“Jealous, Gilbert?” Holtzmann asked, nudging Erin playfully.

“No,” Erin said too quickly, “I just haven’t seen her around, is all.”

“It’s not that important then,” Holtzmann decided. “I’m more interested in why you came after all. Didn’t you tell me you had a skiing trip or something?”

“Yes, but it was cancelled,” Erin told her. “Phil had an emergency at work.”

“Well, I’m sorry about that, but I also wouldn’t have missed you in that outfit for anything.”

“That reminds me,” Erin said, serious all of a sudden. “When I was getting ready and thinking about your tips and everything, I remembered something important in the lab that I have to show you. I don’t think it can wait until Monday. Do you think you could come with me for a couple of minutes?”

“It’s almost midnight,” Holtzmann groaned. “Do we have to?”

“It really can’t wait,” Erin pressed. “Please?”

“I can never resist a pretty woman saying please,” Holtzmann said with a smirk.

“Come on then.” Erin took Holtzmann’s hand. “No time to lose.”

They walked out of the lounge and along the corridor quickly. Erin never let go of Holtzmann’s hand, which made Holtzmann nervous, so she felt herself sobering up a bit. She wasn’t sure if this was the best time to be drunk anyway.

Erin fumbled with her keys and unlocked the door to the lab. “In you go,” she said, ushering Holtzmann inside while turning on a small table lamp. Then she checked if no one had followed them, closed the door, and locked it.


	8. Table Top

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They didn’t say anything to each other – they didn’t need to. Erin rushed over to where Holtzmann was leaning against a table and pulled her close, not even hesitating to press their lips together. Holtzmann kissed her back passionately, biting her lip, moaning. There were so many thoughts rushing through her head, but she refused to deal with them right now. Instead, she wanted to focus on the taste Erin left in her mouth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I divided this story into three parts, this is the end of Part 1, but don't worry, it will continue tomorrow of course.

They didn’t say anything to each other – they didn’t need to. Erin rushed over to where Holtzmann was leaning against a table and pulled her close, not even hesitating to press their lips together. Holtzmann kissed her back passionately, biting her lip, moaning. There were so many thoughts rushing through her head, but she refused to deal with them right now. Instead, she wanted to focus on the taste Erin left in her mouth.

Erin tasted like Christmas cookies and smoked salmon. She was overwhelmed by Erin’s tongue in her mouth and Erin’s hand on her butt, and when Erin moved up her hand to tangle it in Holtzmann’s hair and pull her head back to expose her throat, Holtzmann’s knees buckled with want.

Erin’s teeth started to bite and pull on the soft skin of Holtzmann’s neck and the pain of it turned Holtzmann on even more. She hoped Erin would leave marks on her that would last until Monday, so Evette would know she was taken after all.

Apparently, Erin was thinking along the same lines. “You’re mine now,” she purred into Holtzmann’s ear. “Don’t you dare look at other women.”

“I promise … I … I won’t,” Holtzmann stammered. “How … how could I when you’re … so close to me?”

“Not just when I’m close to you,” Erin replied, pulling sharply on Holtzmann’s hair, eliciting a moan. “Never. Is that understood.”

“Yes,” Holtzmann whimpered. “Anything you want.”

Erin sucked one of Holtzmann’s earlobes into her mouth, worrying it with her teeth. “I want you,” she whispered. “I want to touch you, fuck you, make you come.”

Holtzmann shivered, feeling a pull between her legs. “Yes, please,” she agreed.

Erin started to kiss her again, using her free hand to stroke one of Holtzmann’s breasts, making the nipple stand up. Holtzmann moaned loudly, and even louder when Erin gave the nipple a pinch. But she also didn’t want to just stand there while Erin had all the fun. Instead, she pushed a hand under Erin’s dress feeling the coarse fabric of her tights. When Erin moaned, she couldn’t help but feel proud of herself.

“Get up on the table,” Erin ordered, stopping Holtzmann’s hand by grabbing her wrist.

“Am I not allowed to touch you?” Holtzmann asked.

“Later, maybe,” Erin allowed. “But first it’s your turn.”

Humming with anticipation, Holtzmann pushed herself up onto the table. Even though Erin had turned on the table lamp right next to the door, she couldn’t really see much. Then Erin turned around and rushed back to the door, checking once again if it was locked, and switching off the light.

“I want to see you,” Holtzmann protested.

“But I don’t want anyone to see us,” Erin objected.

“Then let’s go back to my place,” Holtzmann suggested.

Erin shook her head. “I can’t wait that long.”

She opened the buttons to Holtzmann’s trousers and pulled them down. When they got tangled in Holtzmann’s shoes, Erin just left them as they were and began stroking Holtzmann’s thighs. Holtzmann shivered when Erin moved her hands up, so they were almost touching her hips, brushing her thumbs against the soft flesh of Holtzmann’s inner thighs.

Erin crouched down until her head was between Holtzmann’s thighs. “You look hot from this point-of-view,” she said.

“Tell me about it,” Holtzmann whispered.

When Holtzmann had allowed herself to think about having sex with Erin, it had always been completely different. She had thought that Erin wouldn’t have much experience when it came to having sex with another woman and that she would have to tell her what to do. She hadn’t imagined them having sex at work, where their colleagues were just a couple of doors away, with Holtzmann half-lying, half-sitting on a table, while Erin pulled off her shoes and trousers and then, without warning, pressed a hand against Holtzmann’s clit, teasing it through the fabric of her pants.

Holtzmann couldn’t help but moan loudly. She knew she was incredibly wet and couldn’t wait for Erin to discover that, but Erin was content with teasing her for now, watching her face for every tiny flinch.

“You need to be quieter,” Erin reprimanded her. “There might still be people around.”

Holtzmann couldn’t speak. She was so overwhelmed by Erin touching her. But she bit her lip to show Erin she was trying. Because it was so dark, she wasn’t sure that Erin had seen it, but when Erin hooked her fingers behind the waistband of Holtzmann’s pants and pulled them down, Holtzmann guessed she had either noticed Holtzmann making an effort or didn’t care.

Holtzmann’s pants ended up on the floor in a pile with her shoes and trousers. Holtzmann couldn’t have cared less what was happening to her clothes because Erin was pushing her thumb against Holtzmann’s wet slit, sighing happily.

“You’re so wet,” she whispered in amazement. “I can’t wait to taste you.” She removed her thumb and sucked on it. 

Holtzmann couldn’t take it anymore. “Please fuck me,” she begged.

Erin grinned at her, something Holtzmann could definitely tell despite the dim light, and gripped Holtzmann’s legs, draping them across her shoulders. Then she roughly pulled Holtzmann close by her hips and breathed on Holtzmann’s clit, making Holtzmann moan with longing.

“Please, Erin, I can’t take this anymore,” Holtzmann whimpered.

Erin decided to give Holtzmann some release and licked across her clit once. Holtzmann’s hips buckled upwards and she screamed loudly. Instead of reprimanding her, Erin pushed her hips back down and began to lick her fast, almost hungrily.

Receiving this kind of attention, it didn’t take Holtzmann long to come. When she felt the orgasm building, she gripped Erin’s hair and held her down, making Erin moan loudly for once. Then her head exploded into a million different colours as she came, rolling her hips and pressing her clit against Erin’s tongue. Then she let herself fall back onto the table, hearing something crunch beneath her.

“Wow,” she sighed breathlessly.

Erin came up, wiping her mouth. She was grinning from ear to ear. “I didn’t think you would be this eager,” she said.

“Shut up,” Holtzmann laughed, pushing herself off the table and standing up. “Where are my clothes?”

“You don’t need those yet,” Erin told her.

Holtzmann stepped closer to Erin and cupped her cheek. “What can I do for you?”

“Whatever you want,” Erin replied. “I’m all yours.”

Instead of going through her options, Holtzmann decided to do what felt right. She pulled Erin closer and began to tease one of her nipples through the dress, making Erin gasp in surprise.

“That dress looks beautiful on you,” Holtzmann told her. “It would be a shame to take it off.”

“You don’t have to.”

Erin took Holtzmann’s hand and guided it between her legs. Earlier, Holtzmann hadn’t been allowed to move so far up Erin’s thigh to discover that she wasn’t wearing tights at all, but stockings. And no underwear.

“Erin!” Holtzmann shouted in surprise as Erin led her hand up along the inside of her thigh, right up to her slit. She took two of Holtzmann’s fingers and inserted them into herself, biting her lip and gripping Holtzmann’s shoulder with her free hand.

Holtzmann took the hint and began to fuck Erin, while Erin held on to Holtzmann, biting her neck again. Holtzmann was surprised by how wet Erin was, wetter than she felt herself, but she didn’t want to make a teasing remark about it because Erin looked so blissful, her eyes closed, her face relaxed for once.

“Faster!” Erin moaned, pulling Holtzmann out of her thoughts. “Just fuck me.”

Holtzmann used her free hand to pull Erin closer to her, holding her upright. Erin was beginning to roll her hips, fucking herself on Holtzmann’s fingers. Holtzmann had the feeling that it wasn’t enough, so she added another finger, and used her thumb to tease Erin’s clit.

“Come for me,” she whispered into Erin’s ear.

Erin did as she was told, suddenly growing stiff and gasping loudly while Holtzmann fucked her through her orgasm. She only stopped when Erin gripped her wrist again and pulled the fingers out of herself. Then she straightened her dress and cleared her throat.

“Well, that was …,” she started.

Holtzmann pulled her into a tight embrace and kissed her softly. “You don’t have to say anything,” she said, just happy to be able to hold Erin like this.

Erin hugged Holtzmann back, kissing her lazily. They stayed like this for a couple of minutes, their lips brushing lightly until Holtzmann felt herself nearing an edge again, where just kissing wouldn’t be enough. They couldn’t have sex a second time – what if someone had noticed they had disappeared together and was looking for them? They couldn’t be caught.

Holtzmann pulled away from Erin, disentangling her clothes on the floor. She got dressed while Erin watched her. _There really is no harm in doing this once, is there_? Holtzmann asked herself, ignoring the voice at the back of her head, telling her she had just made Erin cheat on her husband.


	9. Option Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The weekend came and went. On the one hand, Holtzmann was looking forward to going back to work on Monday, eager to see Erin. On the other hand, she was terribly afraid because she had no idea how Erin would react to her. Maybe everything was fine, and they would continue kissing each other. Or Erin would pretend that nothing had happened. Holtzmann would be able to live with these two options. The first one would be ideal, of course, because then maybe, in a couple of months, Erin would leave her husband and they could be together. The second option would also be all right with Holtzmann because now she at least knew what it felt like to touch Erin and be touched by her in return.

The weekend came and went. On the one hand, Holtzmann was looking forward to going back to work on Monday, eager to see Erin. On the other hand, she was terribly afraid because she had no idea how Erin would react to her. Maybe everything was fine, and they would continue kissing each other. Or Erin would pretend that nothing had happened. Holtzmann would be able to live with these two options. The first one would be ideal, of course, because then maybe, in a couple of months, Erin would leave her husband and they could be together. The second option would also be all right with Holtzmann because now she at least knew what it felt like to touch Erin and be touched by her in return.

There was also a third option and Holtzmann refused to think about this one. What if Erin would tell her it had been a mistake? This would be worse than Erin pretending like nothing had happened because it would taint the sweet memories Holtzmann had of this Christmas party. If there was one thing she didn’t want to be, it was a mistake.

Holtzmann didn’t call Erin all weekend on purpose because she wanted to give her space to make up her mind. She trusted Erin to make the right decision. After all, there had been no denying that Erin had very much enjoyed what they had done in the lab, so Holtzmann saw no reason to be worried about Erin not wanting to continue.

Except that something had felt off when they had said goodbye. Holtzmann had called them a taxi and it had gone by Holtzmann’s house first. Erin hadn’t even looked at her when Holtzmann had gotten out of the car. She had just mumbled, “See you on Monday.” Holtzmann hoped, she had just been tired.

When Monday came, Holtzmann was so nervous that she shattered two mugs in the kitchen before deciding to just leave it be and get the meeting with Erin over with. The weeks before Christmas would be very busy because Erin wanted to be done with the research phase before everyone went off on holiday, so Holtzmann could be sure she was already in the lab when she arrived.

Holtzmann had been right. Erin was indeed already there, crouched over a binder full of notes written in her neat hand-writing. Holtzmann’s gaze fell onto the table where she had sat while Erin had made her come and blushed furiously.

“Morning, Erin,” she said, trying to sound as cheerful as possible.

Erin jumped. “Good morning,” she said, not making eye contact. “Bad news: You have to work alone today, one of our colleagues has the flu, I have to take over all her classes.” She said it so fast that Holtzmann had trouble understanding her.

“Will I see you during lunch break?” Holtzmann tried.

“I think I’ll be too busy for lunch today,” Erin answered, already packing up her things. “But I would like to talk to you later. I hope I can come by the lab before you leave.”

“I can wait for you,” Holtzmann offered.

Erin shook her head vigorously. “That won’t be necessary. It can wait until tomorrow if you have somewhere to be.” She rushed out of the lab, the door banging shut.

So it was either option two or three. Erin hadn’t seemed like a woman who wanted to continue where they had left off on Friday. Even though Holtzmann wanted her to choose whatever was best for her, she felt a sharp sting in her chest and had to sit down. There were tears burning in her eyes; she cursed and swiped them away.

There was still a chance Erin would pick the second option. Maybe she was just ignoring what had happened and taking herself out of situations in which she would have to talk to Holtzmann was a good indicator for that. Holtzmann had underestimated how much it would hurt, but at least they might be able to continue as they had before, with less flirting perhaps, but maybe they would grow to become friends.

But Erin wanted to talk to Holtzmann. And this wasn’t a good sign. It sounded a lot as if she was planning on telling Holtzmann how much she regretted what had happened between them. And Holtzmann was sure she wouldn’t be able to take that.

This was the reason why she didn’t get involved with someone who was taken. The fallout was too painful. She liked Erin a lot, maybe more than she was prepared to admit to herself, and if Erin didn’t want anything to do with her anymore, Holtzmann’s heart would be broken. It wasn’t Erin’s fault, Holtzmann was to blame as well. She should have told Erin about her boundaries before the situation escalated. Now it was too late to mention anything about that and it would also be unfair to Erin because Erin was probably just as overwhelmed by this situation as she was. Maybe even more so, because her marriage was at stake. All Holtzmann had to lose was her heart.

Holtzmann spent the whole morning in the lab, working away, thinking if she did a well enough job, she could win back Erin’s affection. But doing the work she and Erin had been doing for a week brought back painful memories of times they had both been happy, had joked and flirted. It wasn’t fair how quickly a little bit of sex could take all of this away from you.

Holtzmann wasn’t hungry when it was time to eat lunch and so she went around the campus looking for Erin, but didn’t have any success. Erin was very good at hiding from her. This hurt Holtzmann even more, even if Erin might not be doing it on purpose. The rest of the day, Holtzmann spent in the lab, but she was too upset to get any work done, dreading the moment Erin would walk in through the door.

Holtzmann couldn’t avoid this moment forever. It would have to happen sooner or later. And so it did, around six in the evening, when a pale, dishevelled Erin came through the door.

“Are you still here?” she asked Holtzmann. “I thought you might have left. It’s late.”

“What do you want to talk to me about?” Holtzmann asked, thinking it would be better to cut to the chase instead of making excuses.

“Can I catch my breath first?” Erin asked, slumping down in a chair next to the door. “I’ve had _the_ most exhausting day.”

“Me too,” Holtzmann said, sure Erin would jump at the opportunity to talk about Holtzmann’s day, but she didn’t.

“Look, Holtzmann,” Erin started after a minute of silence between them. “I’m sure you already know what this is about.”

Holtzmann could feel a lump forming in her throat, but she was determined not to show it. “I can guess,” she said, her voice a bit hoarse nonetheless.

“Don’t get me wrong, I had a lot of fun on Friday,” Erin said quickly, staring at the floor. “You are amazing at … well, you are amazing, but you already know that.”

“Doesn’t hurt to hear it more often,” Holtzmann smirked, trying to make a joke to lighten the mood.

“Nevertheless, I’ve had a lot of time to think over the weekend,” Erin continued, still not looking at Holtzmann. “The thing is … I’m married, as you know. And I can’t … I don’t …,” she trailed off.

Holtzmann waited patiently for what Erin would say, her throat closing even further. It was good that Erin wasn’t looking at her or she would see how much distress she was causing Holtzmann.

“I can’t have an affair, it’s not who I am,” Erin said quickly. “I’m sure you understand.”

Holtzmann didn’t say anything. So her feeling had been right. It was the worst possible outcome.

“Holtzmann?” Erin asked, hoping she would say something.

Holtzmann took a deep breath. “I can understand that,” she said slowly, carefully, so Erin wouldn’t hear her voice break. “But I have one question for you – why did you initiate it in the first place?”

“I thought it was what I wanted,” Erin replied quickly, “but spending the weekend at home with my husband I had such a bad conscience that I couldn’t even look at him. It’s not who I am.”

“I’m not expecting anything from you, Erin,” Holtzmann said, “I just want you to look at me once.”

She could hear how Erin was drawing in breath before lifting her head. “Yes?”

Now Holtzmann could see that Erin had been crying. All she wanted to do was rush to her side and hug her, but she wasn’t sure if this was what Erin wanted. “Are you absolutely certain that this is what you want?” Holtzmann asked. “Will it make you happy?”

Erin nodded slowly.

“All right,” Holtzmann said, grabbing her coat and rushing out of the lab so Erin wouldn’t see her tears.


	10. Dinner Invitation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The worst part about this whole affair was that Holtzmann had no one to blame but herself. Rebecca had left her. Rebecca had pushed her away and never given her an explanation for why she had behaved like this. And Holtzmann had been hurt so badly by her actions that it was easiest to dump all the blame on Rebecca.

The worst part about this whole affair was that Holtzmann had no one to blame but herself. Rebecca had left her. Rebecca had pushed her away and never given her an explanation for why she had behaved like this. And Holtzmann had been hurt so badly by her actions that it was easiest to dump all the blame on Rebecca.

For the first couple of months, Holtzmann’s love for her mentor had turned into hate and she despised everything about the other woman. She didn’t blame her for falling out of love, she blamed her for how she had handled the situation. It could have been handled better, without turning Holtzmann into a total wreck, almost costing her her scholarship.

This time, it was the other way around. Yes, Erin had started it and then changed her mind, but Holtzmann should have told her from the beginning that she wasn’t interested in pursuing anything with a married woman. A lot of heartbreak could have been avoided. And the worst part was that Holtzmann’s actions had made Erin cry. She replayed the look Erin had given her over and over, wishing she could just forget it. But every time she closed her eyes she saw Erin’s tear-streaked face again and this memory hurt her even more than the knowledge that she had gotten to touch Erin once and then never again.

Now Holtzmann was glad that there was no one in her life she could confide in. This person would only tell her it wasn’t her fault and she didn’t want to hear that. She knew it was her fault and she had ruined her beginning friendship with Erin.

On Tuesday morning, Holtzmann got into work, prepared for a very awkward day. It wasn’t so much awkward as very painful. Erin didn’t have to teach any classes and spent all the time in the lab and it was worse than not seeing her the whole day, because every time Holtzmann looked up from a sheet of paper or an experiment, she was confronted with Erin.

Erin tried to behave as usual, and Holtzmann could see she was making an effort to be extra nice to Holtzmann. “I brought you a muffin,” she mumbled when she came in through the door in the morning. “I’m sorry for yesterday,” she added, once Holtzmann had taken it out of her hand. “I should have handled it better.”

“No, it’s fine,” Holtzmann assured her quickly, feeling another lump form in her throat.

She forced herself to eat the muffin in front of Erin to show her that everything was, indeed, fine. There were no jokes exchanged between them the whole morning and Erin went home for lunch, leaving Holtzmann feeling very jealous of this Phil person that Erin was married to. She bet he wasn’t good enough for her. No one was good enough for Erin, and of all the people she could think of, he deserved to be with her the least.

During the afternoon, Erin was back, but she looked changed, more tired, and sadder. Holtzmann guessed that she might have gotten into a fight with her husband over lunch, but she didn’t want to get mixed up in Erin’s romantic life even more than she already had.

However, Erin was more talkative now than she had been all morning. “I doubt we’ll be finished on time,” she sighed.

At first, Holtzmann didn’t realise that she was talking to her. “Don’t worry about it,” she said after a short pause. “I’m confident that we’ll finish on time.”

“I hate Decembers,” Erin sighed. “There’s always so much to do and no time and you’re also expected to get people gifts and plan Christmas dinner and whatnot.”

“You don’t have to get me a gift, so there’s one thing less to worry about.”

“No, I bought your present weeks ago,” Erin said with a dismissive wave of her hand. “But there’s so much else that I need to do.”

“You bought me a present?” Holtzmann echoed.

“Of course,” Erin said, sounding as if this was the most logical thing in the world. “I need to thank you for helping me so much.”

“But it’s my job,” Holtzmann said quickly, “you don’t have to get me anything.”

“I want to,” Erin said, “and it wasn’t hard, you’re a very easy person to get presents for.”

“Am I?”

“If someone spends a bit of time with you and makes an effort to get to know you, then yes.”

Holtzmann blushed. “I don’t have anything for you though.”

“You don’t have to get me anything,” Erin assured her, “but if you want to, there’s still time.” She smiled warmly at Holtzmann.

Holtzmann felt a certain kind of warmth spread through her body. Maybe this wasn’t so bad after all. If she suppressed the memories of Erin thinking their encounter had been a mistake, then she might be able to have a friendship with her without feeling guilty all the time.

“Of course I’m getting you something,” Holtzmann said quickly. “Is there anything in particular you have your eyes on or do you want me to surprise you?”

“You can choose,” Erin said, “and no pressure, but the present I have for you is the best present you will ever get.”

“No pressure then,” Holtzmann joked.

But she felt the pressure immediately. This was her one chance to make things right with Erin, so she needed to find the perfect Christmas present for her.

“Honestly, don’t worry about it too much,” Erin laughed. Holtzmann must have looked very scared. “I’m happy with a good book.”

“So you like to read?” Holtzmann asked, thinking a book wouldn’t be such a bad idea. Maybe she could find a nice first edition of some novel or other.

“There’s nothing I like doing more,” Erin said with a happy sigh. “Give me a good book and a mug of hot tea and I’m happy.”

“Well, that’s easy,” Holtzmann said, clapping her hands. “I think I can make this dream come true.”

Erin smiled at her and then went back to work. It was almost like it had been before, but as soon as they stopped talking, Holtzmann went back to thinking about how much she wanted Erin and how hard it was for her to be so close to her and yet so far away.

“Can I ask you something?” she said slowly. “You don’t have to answer it, of course, I’m just curious.”

Erin looked up from her work. “Of course.”

“I know you already gave me sort of a reason yesterday, but I was just wondering,” Holtzmann started slowly, watching Erin’s face for any sign of distress, “I know you said you’re not that kind of person but why did you … initiate something between us and then just, you know.”

Erin pulled a face that was hard to read for Holtzmann. She looked nervous but also unsure of how to answer Holtzmann’s question. “I … erm, that’s really hard to answer.”

“Try,” Holtzmann encouraged her.

Erin sighed deeply and then started at the ceiling. “I don’t … I don’t know how to answer that,” she said finally. “I know you wanted … well, hm,” she made, before trailing off.

Holtzmann let her think, eagerly waiting for an answer. She knew Erin’s reasoning wouldn’t change anything, she was just curious.

“Would you come to dinner? At my place?” Erin said all of a sudden.

Holtzman was taken by surprise, so she simply said, “Yes, when?”

“Would tomorrow evening be good? I’m finishing a bit earlier tomorrow and could start with the preparations before you arrive.”

“Yes, fine by me,” Holtzmann said.

“Good, good,” Erin whispered and went back to work.

Holtzmann had noticed, of course, that Erin hadn’t given her a straight answer. But she guessed that they would talk about it the next day over dinner. Maybe it was a longer explanation and Erin needed some time to think about what she would say to Holtzmann. At least, Holtzmann would finally see Erin’s house. She hoped Erin had some embarrassing pictures lying around.

Holtzmann was confused by this new development, but she wouldn’t do anything to stop it. She couldn’t believe her luck that Erin was still talking to her normally, even inviting her to dinner. The day before it had looked as if they could never go back to the way things had been before the Christmas party, but now everything was looking well. Holtzmann still felt hurt and as soon as she was alone, she started crying again, but the whole situation was less gloomy than it had seemed the day before.

Erin was making an effort to stay friends with her, even if Holtzmann hadn’t been honest with her and had pushed her into an uncomfortable situation. Holtzmann hoped that the more time passed, the more Erin would act normally around her again and not remind Holtzmann of how she had failed Erin’s trust every other minute.


	11. Two Words

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erin’s house looked cute, it suited her. It was a small, well-kept cottage with two floors. The windows in the upper floor were dark when Holtzmann arrived, but the ground floor was illuminated brightly. The front door was framed by a string of fairly lights and someone had stuck stars into the front lawn. This was all the Christmas decoration Holtzmann could see and it was a welcome change to the houses around which looked like they had been too close when a truck full of Christmas lights had exploded.

Erin’s house looked cute, it suited her. It was a small, well-kept cottage with two floors. The windows in the upper floor were dark when Holtzmann arrived, but the ground floor was illuminated brightly. The front door was framed by a string of fairly lights and someone had stuck stars into the front lawn. This was all the Christmas decoration Holtzmann could see and it was a welcome change to the houses around which looked like they had been too close when a truck full of Christmas lights had exploded.

Holtzmann had walked to Erin’s house since she didn’t live far away, and she needed to calm her nerves. She had no idea what was expecting her. She guessed Erin would explain to her in detail why she couldn’t have an affair with her, maybe telling her about a past trauma. Holtzmann decided that, if this was the case, she would tell her about her feelings regarding affairs, just so they could start anew.

But maybe – and Holtzmann couldn’t stop hoping for this – Erin would tell her she had thought about it some more and had decided to give this a try. Holtzmann hadn’t been able to focus on work all day because she had gone through all the possible scenarios of what would happen when Erin told her this and how she would react. She would probably break down crying, but from joy this time.

Carefully, she walked up to Erin’s front door and knocked. She didn’t want to ring the bell and disturb the silence surrounding the house. Erin opened the door immediately after Holtzmann had knocked, making it appear as if she had waited right behind it for her dinner guest to arrive.

“Hi,” Erin said, smiling at her.

She was wearing the same dress she had worn at the Christmas party, making Holtzmann feel terribly underdressed. She was still in her work clothes, which had an acid burn on the left sleeve. Erin should have told her that this was a formal affair.

“Please, come in,” Erin invited her, opening the door further.

Holtzmann did as she was told. “Thank you for inviting me,” she said while Erin closed the door.

“Oh, it’s nothing,” Erin said with a dismissive wave of her hand. “I just thought it would be nice for you to meet my husband.”

“What?” Holtzmann hissed. “Your husband? Is he here?”

To answer her question, a man stepped out of a door to Holtzmann’s left. “You must be Jillian,” he said, extending a hand for her to shake.

Holtzmann cringed but took his hand. “It’s Holtzmann,” she corrected him.

“She doesn’t like her first name,” Erin explained, one hand on Phil’s arm.

Phil was wearing a knitted sweater (dark blue with a red stripe across the chest) and dark trousers. He had combed his hair back, so it was lying tightly pressed against his skull. In his left hand, he held a whiskey tumbler. All that was missing was a pipe to make him look like one of the stuffy professors Holtzmann despised so much.

“But it’s lovely,” Phil was saying.

“Thank you, but please call me Holtzmann,” Holtzmann repeated, trying to behave herself for Erin’s sake.

“Please, come in,” Phil invited her into the living room.

It was just as cosy as the house from the outside. There was an actual open fireplace with comfortable armchairs in front, and one wall was entirely covered by bookshelves.

“You weren’t exaggerating when you said you like to read,” Holtzmann said, her mouth agape. She had only ever seen so many books in the library.

“Those are mostly mine,” Phil said, “I need them for work. Erin likes to read novels, but I think that’s a waste of time.”

Holtzmann looked at Erin who looked at Phil in annoyance.

“Just because _you_ think it’s a waste of time,” she sighed, “doesn’t mean that the rest of us don’t want to have some fun.”

“What do you do for fun?” Holtzmann asked. She tried to make it sound like a challenge, but it came out as a polite enquiry.

“I don’t have much spare time,” Phil answered. “It comes with the job. Erin has a lot of free time, I envy her sometimes.”

“But you’re up for tenure, aren’t you?” Holtzmann asked Erin.

“Let’s eat,” Erin said, thereby ending the conversation.

A table had been set up in the middle of the living room, decked nicely with real porcelain dishes. It looked like the tables in the fancy restaurants Holtzmann had always eaten at with Rebecca. Erin had put a lot of work into this dinner.

She pulled a chair out for Holtzmann. “Please sit.” Then she turned to her husband. “Could you get the wine from the kitchen, please?”

“Certainly,” Phil nodded.

Holtzmann hoped she would now get a few short minutes alone with Erin to ask her why her husband was there, but Erin followed Phil to the kitchen and Holtzmann was left alone. She listened to the crackle of the fire in the fireplace and waited for the others to return while trying to figure out what Erin was playing at.

Why hadn’t she told Holtzmann that her husband would be part of this dinner? Holtzmann had hoped for a chance to set things straight with Erin, but she couldn’t do that now, could she? Erin should have warned Holtzmann. How was she expected to get through a dinner of them exchanging glances, touching each other, maybe sharing inside jokes?

Or maybe Phil had invited himself. Maybe Erin was just as surprised by this unexpected turn of events as Holtzmann was. This was the version Holtzmann wanted to believe, but she had the feeling that it wasn’t true. Erin had told her not ten minutes ago that she thought this dinner was an excellent chance for Holtzmann to meet Phil.

This was a terrible idea. Holtzmann could see why Erin hadn’t told her about this – she simply would have refused to come. But what was the benefit of them meeting anyway? Holtzmann didn’t want anything to do with the man who was standing between her and Erin.

“Dig in,” Erin said with forced cheerfulness, putting a bowl full of mashed potatoes on the table in front of Holtzmann.

Holtzmann swallowed audibly and began to fill her plate while Phil put down a roast on the table. When everyone had sat down, Holtzmann had decided the best way to deal with this situation was to find out as much about Phil as possible.

“Have you been married for long?” she asked.

“Three years,” Phil answered immediately.

“And did you move here right afterwards, or did you already live here?”

“We moved here last year,” Erin said, shooting Holtzmann a sad glance.

Holtzmann couldn’t help but notice that Erin and Phil were sitting at opposite ends of the table and she had been awkwardly placed in the middle. So her nightmare of having to watch Erin and Phil be in love all evening wasn’t coming true.

“It’s a lovely house,” Holtzmann could hear herself saying, not able to take her eyes off Erin.

“Thank you,” Phil nodded. “I picked it myself. I don’t like to rely on realtors.”

Holtzmann ignored him. “I think the front lawn looks lovely; did you decorate it, Erin?” she asked.

“We did it together,” Erin answered.

“I had the idea for the stars. I saw them at the DIY superstore and simply had to have them,” Phil continued before Erin could say anything else.

Holtzmann tasted the mashed potato, looking for another reason to compliment Erin. Even if it had been disgusting, Holtzmann would have told her it was the most delicious mashed potato she had ever had. It was quite good, so Holtzmann didn’t even have to exaggerate too much when she complimented Erin.

“It’s my speciality,” Phil said before Erin had even opened her mouth.

This was the last straw. Holtzmann finally snapped. “Excuse me, but I’m trying to talk to Erin,” she hissed in Phil’s direction. “I would appreciate it if we could exchange more than two words with each other without you interrupting us.”

After that, the table fell into an uncomfortable silence. Holtzmann regretted having snapped at Phil because she had wanted to behave herself in front of Erin, but she would be damned if she apologised. Phil was even more horrible than Holtzmann had imagined him to be, and she couldn’t wait until she was alone with Erin and could ask her why she had married such a slime bag.

The only thing uplifting her spirits was that Erin looked just as annoyed as Holtzmann felt with her husband whenever he opened his mouth. She didn’t want to see her unhappy, but she could sense that their marriage wasn’t so perfect.

And then she realised why the whole situation felt off. Erin must have told Phil about what she had done with Holtzmann. He knew about them and was now pretending to be nice to Holtzmann, maybe for Erin’s sake to save his marriage. Holtzmann could say, without a doubt, that this was the most horrible situation she’d ever been in.


	12. Getting Milk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There wasn’t any milk left. Erin noticed this after she had offered Holtzmann coffee. Holtzmann had accepted the offer out of sheer guilt. She couldn’t believe how much coffee she was drinking since she met Erin. Erin insisted on Holtzmann having milk with her coffee, so Phil offered to go and get some.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, half of the story is done. I hope you're enjoying it so far, I certainly enjoy writing it, even though it's sometimes hard to find the time for it.

There wasn’t any milk left. Erin noticed this after she had offered Holtzmann coffee. Holtzmann had accepted the offer out of sheer guilt. She couldn’t believe how much coffee she was drinking since she met Erin. Erin insisted on Holtzmann having milk with her coffee, so Phil offered to go and get some.

“No, that won’t be necessary,” Holtzmann said, “I can drink it black, that’s no problem at all.”

“It’s no problem, there’s a store not far from here, it won’t take me more than 15 minutes,” Phil assured her. “And I love to get some exercise after dinner.”

Holtzmann nodded. If he insisted on going, then who was she to stop him. This would also give her a chance to talk to Erin, something she had been desperately craving to do since she had arrived. So as soon as Phil was out of the door, she turned to Erin.

“What is going on?” she asked in a low voice, scared Phil was right outside, listening to them.

Erin let herself fall into one of the armchairs and buried her face in her hands. “I don’t know what I’m doing,” she mumbled, or at least that’s what Holtzmann thought she had said.

“Excuse me?” she asked.

Erin looked up. Her eyes were red and Holtzmann saw a single tear running down Erin’s cheek.

“Is everything okay?” she asked, feeling a knot form in her throat.

Erin shook her head. “I don’t know what I’m doing,” she repeated. “This dinner seemed like such a good idea at the time, but I don’t know what I was thinking. I’m so sorry I put you in this situation. You shouldn’t have to go through this.”

“Yeah, I was wondering about that,” Holtzmann said. “Why did you invite me to have dinner with your husband?”

“I don’t know,” Erin sobbed. “I’m panicking. I don’t know what I should do.”

Holtzmann sat down in the chair opposite Erin. “Do you want to tell me what’s wrong?”

“I don’t know where to start,” Erin sobbed, but she took a deep breath to steady herself.

“Wherever you want,” Holtzmann said, softly touching Erin’s knee to show her she was there for her.

“Okay, so,” Erin took another deep breath. “My husband has been asked to move to California. He got offered a job there, a position more senior to the one he has now, and he took it, of course.”

“Good for him,” Holtzmann said, thinking she would get to spend time with Erin away from her husband.

“He wants me to come with him to California,” Erin continued. “We’re married, after all.” A high laugh. “I mean, that’s a good reason, isn’t it?”

“But is it what you want to do?” Holtzmann asked. “You’ve been working so hard on your tenure.”

“I don’t want to move to California, no,” Erin said slowly. “I want to have seasons, I want to see snow and go swimming during summer. And I’m so close to my tenure, I don’t want to give that up now and start at a new university. I don’t even know if I’ll get a job there. I applied for a tenure track position already, but they didn’t even want to see me for an interview. I can’t stay at home while Phil works on his career. It would kill me.”

“So stay here,” Holtzmann suggested. The last thing she wanted was for Erin to move to the other side of the continent.

“That’s the next issue,” Erin sighed. During her speech she had stopped crying, but now there were tears starting to run again. “I don’t know what to do. I’m married, that’s a big thing, right? You don’t get a divorce because your husband wants to move to the other side of the country. You’re supposed to be in this through thick and thin. But I don’t think I can. Not just because I have my whole career here, but … I don’t …”

Holtzmann waited patiently for Erin to continue, but the suspense was killing her.

“I don’t think I love him anymore,” Erin said, burying her face in her hands again and sobbing loudly.

“What do you mean?” Holtzmann asked carefully. “Is it because of … last Friday? Is it my fault?”

“No, no, no,” Erin said quickly. “Please don’t think that. It’s something I have felt for longer, way before meeting you. But meeting you made me realise how unhappy I am in this marriage. And then I panicked when something … happened between us. Please, I don’t know what to do.” She looked pleadingly at Holtzmann.

“I can’t tell you what to do,” Holtzmann said with a shrug, “but I can see that you are extremely unhappy in your marriage and you should take that into account, no matter what you decide to do next.”

“He knows,” Erin groaned, “he knows I’m falling out of love with him and he’s punishing me for that. I mean, not physically, but he’s been distant with me for months and I think he wants to move to California and take me out of my surroundings, maybe even take my career away from me, in the hopes that I’ll learn to love him again.”

“That doesn’t sound very healthy to me,” Holtzmann said slowly. “Excuse me for asking, but why don’t you just dump him?”

“I don’t know,” Erin sobbed again, “we’re married, that’s supposed to be forever, isn’t it?”

Holtzmann dropped to her knees in front of Erin. “Hey,” she whispered, cupping Erin’s cheek, “we will find a solution, okay? But you can’t go on living like this, I hope you realise that.”

It pained Holtzmann to see Erin this way, and she wanted to comfort her any way that she could, but she had no idea how she could make Erin see that she needed to leave Phil immediately with the little time she had still left until the man in question would return from the store.

“But there’s no more time,” Erin continued. “He wants us to move during the Christmas break. And I can’t, Holtzmann.”

“I know you can’t,” Holtzmann told her softly. “You don’t have to.”

She didn’t know what came over her but seeing Erin so distraught made her want to comfort the other woman, so she pulled Erin close to her and kissed her. Erin kissed her back eagerly, leaving tears on Holtzmann’s cheeks. Then Erin glided down from her chair onto the floor next to Holtzmann, kissing her with more force. Holtzmann pulled her close, holding her as best as she could, making sure Erin knew she was wanted by kissing her lips, her neck, her cheeks, whispering into her ear how beautiful she was.

“I want you,” Erin whispered back, “God, I want you so much.”

Holtzmann hesitated because she had heard these words before, only for Erin to do a 180 the next chance she got. But then Erin continued speaking and Holtzmann realised she was serious this time.

“I’m going to leave Phil,” she whispered against Holtzmann’s lips. “I want to give this thing between us a try.”

“Yes,” Holtzmann moaned, lying down and pulling Erin with her.

Holtzmann sneaked her hand under Erin’s dress, eager to feel her wetness again. Erin, meanwhile, was all over Holtzmann, squeezing her nipple, biting her lip, pulling her dress up her thighs so she could rub herself against Holtzmann’s leg. Holtzmann was wet immediately, not wanting Erin to stop what she was doing, but a small voice at the back of her mind reminded her that Phil could be back any moment.

Then she heard him clear his throat and realised it was already too late.

“Phil,” Erin gasped, pushing herself away from Holtzmann. “You’re back already.”

“Get up,” Phil hissed in Erin’s direction.

Erin did as she was told.

“And you,” Phil spat, “you get out and stay away from my wife.”

Holtzmann stood up and put an arm protectively around Erin. “No, I won’t,” she said, not wanting to leave Erin alone with this man.

“It’s fine,” Erin whispered, “just go. I’ll talk to him.”

“I don’t want to leave you alone with him,” Holtzmann told her plainly.

“If you don’t, I’m calling the police,” Phil decided. “You’re trespassing on my property.”

“There’ll be no need for that,” Erin decided. “Holtzmann is leaving.”

She softly pushed Holtzmann toward the front door. Holtzmann decided to heed Erin’s wish and do was she was told.

“You call me and tell me if you need anything,” she told Erin while getting dressed.

“I’ll be fine, really, I’m gonna explain everything to him,” Erin assured her.

Holtzmann wasn’t so sure that it would be as easy as Erin made it sound, and as soon as the front door shut behind her, she could hear Phil starting to yell, but Erin shouted back and that gave her some hope. She didn’t want to leave before she knew that Erin was safe, so she lurked around the living room window until Phil spotted her and pulled out his phone to call the police.


	13. Gone Missing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erin didn’t come into work on Thursday. Holtzmann was first to arrive, and this was already unusual in itself because Erin was determined to finish the project before Christmas and always started at least an hour before Holtzmann.

Erin didn’t come into work on Thursday. Holtzmann was first to arrive, and this was already unusual in itself because Erin was determined to finish the project before Christmas and always started at least an hour before Holtzmann.

Holtzmann wasn’t surprised. She had seen this coming, but she could still feel dread spread through her body when she opened the door to the lab and it was empty. Erin also hadn’t called her, not the previous evening nor this morning, so Holtzmann had been warned that something was off. Still, she was terribly scared for Erin and regretted having left the night before.

The night before … Holtzmann had no idea how she should feel about what had happened and was still happening. On the one hand, she had gotten her wish. Erin had thought their situation over and had decided she wanted to be with Holtzmann instead of her husband. Holtzmann couldn’t be happier about this part. Kissing Erin again had made her realise how much she had missed the other woman and had also brought other feelings to her attention … she was falling in love with Erin. She hadn’t had these feelings since Rebecca had left her and this was supposed to be a time when she was so happy she couldn’t stop smiling.

But then there was Phil. Holtzmann didn’t think he would ruin Erin’s relationship to her again, because Holtzmann trusted Erin to really leave him, but he scared Holtzmann. It wasn’t so much that he looked like one of the professors she couldn’t stand, that he looked like a younger version of Dr Linwood, which made Holtzmann want to punch him, no, she was scared of the way he treated Erin. What Erin had said to her yesterday about Phil wanting to take her out of university and keep her at home to force her to be his wife had scared Holtzmann more than she was prepared to admit. And she couldn’t stop blaming herself for leaving Erin like this, but she was also scared of what Phil might do to her.

And now Erin wasn’t at work and this scared Holtzmann even more, although she had suspected it. But she decided to stay calm and wait for an hour. Maybe Erin was just late. It wasn’t like her, but it had started to snow again during the night and the roads were icy, so perhaps Erin had trouble getting into work and would be there any minute.

But time dragged on and after an hour had passed, Erin still wasn’t there. So Holtzmann decided to do the next sensible thing and call her. The phone went straight to voicemail. This, still, was no reason to panic. There were about ten plausible explanations that weren’t about Phil hurting Erin. Maybe she had left her phone at home. Or maybe she was sick and was having a nap.

Holtzmann left the lab to talk to the secretary, thinking that if Erin _was_ sick, she would have called in this morning.

“Dr Gilbert,” the secretary said thoughtfully. “You know, I’m not sure. I think she called in, or maybe it was her husband. Is she not at work?”

“No,” Holtzmann shook her head. “Please, I’m worried about her. She … she didn’t look well yesterday, I just want to make sure she’s okay.”

“She’s not teaching any classes today, so she can work from home if she wants to,” the secretary told her. “And I’m really not sure if she called or not. But ask around the lounge, maybe one of her colleagues knows where she is.”

Holtzmann nodded, trying to keep her panic down. “Thanks, I’ll do that,” she said.

She rushed off to the lounge where the Christmas party had taken place, trying to not feel too overwhelmed by the memories of that evening. She knocked on the door and entered without waiting for an answer, figuring that she might as well because she was working here after all.

“Miss Holtzmann?” Dr Linwood was the only person inside the room.

He reminded Holtzmann so much of Phil that she had to take a breath before she could continue.

“I’m looking for Dr Gilbert,” Holtzmann said, trying to keep her voice as calm as possible. “She didn’t come into work this morning and I was told to ask around.”

“No, I haven’t heard from her,” Dr Linwood answered. “Maybe she’s already on holiday?”

“She wasn’t feeling well yesterday, so I think she might be sick,” Holtzmann elaborated, “but I can’t reach her and that’s a bit … worrying.”

“I’m sure she’s fine,” Dr Linwood said with a dismissive wave of his hand. “If we don’t hear anything from her by tomorrow, then I’m going to drive by her house and she if she’s okay. But she’s teaching again tomorrow, so I’m guessing she will call in sick anyway if she’s still feeling under the weather.”

“Yes, thank you,” Holtzmann nodded, her mind already racing with a plan.

She could just drive by Erin’s house and see if she was there. Why hadn’t she thought of that? There was still the possibility that Phil might be at home, and if he was she could tell him that they were all worried about Erin at work and threaten him with the police if he refused to tell her where she was.

Holtzmann closed the door to the lounge behind her and breathed in deeply. She knew she should stay at work and do her job before rushing off to Erin’s house, but she was too nervous to focus anyway, and Erin was a priority. She locked the door to the lab and told the secretary she had a dentist appointment before rushing to her bike and starting the engine.

 _Erin is at home_ , she kept telling herself while stopping at a red light, _she’s at home and she’s fine_.

Holtzmann hoped that Phil would still be at work and she would be able to meet Erin on her own. Maybe she would even be able to convince Erin she needed to leave Phil immediately and could stay at Holtzmann’s place. That would be the ideal scenario. But Holtzmann was also very aware that it might not play out like this.

When she arrived at Erin’s house, she immediately realised that something was off. The previous evening, there had been two cars parked in the driveway, now there was none. Holtzmann suspected that one of the cars was Phil’s and he had probably used it in the morning to go to work, and the other car must belong to Erin. However, it was also missing, so Erin couldn’t be at home, unless Phil had parked the car somewhere else, so Erin couldn’t leave easily. Holtzmann wouldn’t put it past him.

She got off her bike and walked to the front door with confidence, wanting to appear as if she had business there in case one of the neighbours was watching. The last thing she wanted to do was look as if she was snooping around in case one of them called Phil. Holtzmann raised a fist and knocked on the door loudly, then forced herself to count to ten while waiting for a reply. When there was none, she rang the doorbell.

The doorbell wasn’t working. So if Erin was in there and hadn’t heard her knocking, there was no way Holtzmann could get her attention.

She went to one of the living room windows and peaked inside. The living room was dark, but not so dark that Holtzmann couldn’t tell it was empty. If Erin really was sick, however, she wouldn’t be sitting in one of the armchairs, but lie in bed upstairs.

Holtzmann’s next instinct was to throw rocks at the upstairs windows to get Erin’s attention, but she was too worried one of the rocks might go through the glass. So she went around the back of the house to see if there was a back door. There wasn’t one, just an upstairs window which was open a crack, but which Holtzmann wouldn’t be able to reach without a ladder.

She sighed deeply, coming to the conclusion that there was nothing she could do. Erin didn’t seem to be at home, but Holtzmann still hadn’t found a reason for her sudden disappearance. If anything, she was even more worried now. She even suspected that Phil might have chained Erin up in the basement but was relatively certain he wouldn’t go this far.

Holtzmann decided she had tried her best and would wait until the next morning to take more necessary steps, like calling the police. Even though she was terribly scared for Erin, she didn’t want to overreact and give Phil another reason to keep Erin away from her. You could only go to the police 24 hours after someone went missing, and Holtzmann had seen Erin last about 19 hours ago. There was still time. Maybe everything would turn out to be just a big misunderstanding.


	14. Overdue Confrontation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On Friday, there was also no sign of Erin. Yet Holtzmann hesitated to involve the police. She was sure she would be asked if she had talked to the husband and then she would have to tell them no, so they would only advise her to talk to Phil first and Holtzmann really couldn’t do that. She decided to wait until evening, maybe even talk to Dr Linwood again, and then call the police.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm very sorry that I didn't update for three days, I'm at university every weekend and I underestimated how much work keeping up with this fanfic would be, but I'm back on track now.

On Friday, there was also no sign of Erin. Yet Holtzmann hesitated to involve the police. She was sure she would be asked if she had talked to the husband and then she would have to tell them no, so they would only advise her to talk to Phil first and Holtzmann really couldn’t do that. She decided to wait until evening, maybe even talk to Dr Linwood again, and then call the police.

Holtzmann drowned herself in work to keep herself busy and distracted from worrying about Erin. _She’s all right_ , she kept telling herself. Even though Phil wasn’t a nice man, he hadn’t struck Holtzmann as a violent person. Sure, he might have shouted at Erin, but he wouldn’t harm her.

The day passed fairly quickly, not because Holtzmann was so busy, but because she was worried about having to call the police, something she really didn’t want to do. She knew there was no punishment on having an affair, but she didn’t want law enforcement snooping around in her private life. Notifying the authorities would also mean that she had to engage with Phil sooner or later, which was also something she could live without.

Holtzmann had the feeling that no matter what she did, she did something wrong. She shouldn’t have left Erin alone with Phil on Wednesday, but if she hadn’t left, then he would have called the police and she might have been arrested for trespassing. The day before, she could have searched the house more thoroughly, but if she had broken in, then she would have been trespassing for sure.

Holtzmann was also scared of what her digging might bring to the light. What if Phil _had_ locked Erin up? Was this something Holtzmann wanted to get caught up in? Let’s say she had broken into the house and found Erin looked in her room or the basement – how was she supposed to explain to the police why she had broken in after Erin had been missing for not even 24 hours?

But it was more than 24 hours now and still no word. Would this justify Holtzmann breaking into the house? It probably would, and she was determined to do it, but she couldn’t leave earlier again and if she waited until the evening, then Phil would be home.

Maybe that wasn’t such a bad thing. Yes, he had told Holtzmann to beat it and stay out of their lives, but if Holtzmann went to his house to tell him that they were all worried about Erin, that even Dr Linwood was thinking about looking for her, he might change his mind.

During lunch, Holtzmann came up with a plan that didn’t involve calling the police or breaking in. She would stay longer today, pretending to make up for the time she had lost yesterday, and then drive by Erin’s house and ring the doorbell again, hoping that Phil would be home. If he didn’t give her a straight answer or let her see Erin, she would threaten him with the police and see how he liked it.

During the afternoon, her heart felt lighter. The plan kept her going. It was the most sensible thing to do. If this had been any other situation, Holtzmann would have broken into the house, no doubt about that. But this was Erin and she didn’t want to make any mistakes where Erin was concerned. The last thing she needed was being locked up by the police because Phil had filed a report against her.

The afternoon passed quickly. At five, she decided to get herself a coffee from downstairs to be able to work until seven, when she was sure Phil would be home. Erin had kindled a love for this beverage in her, its smell always reminding Holtzmann of Erin, so she thought it was only fitting she should be drinking it while waiting for the right time to take Phil down.

She had done so much thinking about Phil that day that when she bumped into him while she opened the door to the coffee shop, she didn’t realise he was real.

“Phil!” she exclaimed after she had noticed who was standing in front of her. She had forgotten he was working at the university as well. This information hadn’t been important to her when Erin had told her, but now it was vital. She could confront Phil now and he would have to talk to her if he didn’t want to make a scene.

“Do we know each other?” Phil wanted to pretend he didn’t know who she was.

“Don’t play dumb, Phil,” Holtzmann hissed, feeling a lot of pent-up aggression against this man suddenly releasing. “Where’s Erin?”

Phil looked surprised for a moment. He stepped to the side to let a woman pass (they were still standing in front of the coffee shop’s entrance), then he crossed his arms in front of his chest. “You keep away from us.” His voice was low, menacing.

If he had talked like this when Holtzmann had come to see him, she would have backed away immediately. But the adrenaline being released from seeing him so unexpectedly made her brave. “Where is she?” she repeated.

“That’s none of your business. You are the last person who has any right to know where my wife is,” Phil replied. He turned around, signalling that this conversation was over.

“I’m her colleague, you know,” Holtzmann said, her voice raised. She could hear a quiver in it and hoped Phil hadn’t noticed it. “If she doesn’t come back to work soon, I have to speak to our superior. She can’t just leave in the middle of a very important project.”

“You’re her colleague?” Phil repeated.

Apparently, Erin hadn’t told him where she had met Holtzmann or he hadn’t been interested in learning. Keeping Holtzmann out of their lives wasn’t so easy after all.

“Yes, we’re working together on a project,” Holtzmann answered. “I’m a research assistant in the same department.”

“Good thing we’re moving then,” Phil mumbled.

“Yeah, I heard about that,” Holtzmann said. Now it was her turn to cross her arms in front of her chest. “I know for a fact that Erin doesn’t want to come with you.”

Phil snorted. “Because of you? You’re a fling, Jillian, a mistake. You don’t think whatever there was between you was serious?”

Holtzmann knew Phil was only trying to get a rise out of her and she wouldn’t give him the satisfaction. This didn’t mean that his words weren’t hurtful. “This has nothing to do with me,” she replied, trying to keep her voice calm. “She’s up for tenure and she won’t throw that away for anyone. And if you don’t tell me right now where she is, I will go to the police.”

She hadn’t been able to keep her voice calm during the last sentence, and there had been a note of panic in it, and Phil had caught it too.

He smirked. “Believe me, you don’t need to involve the police in this. I wouldn’t do it if I were you, unless you want to look like a complete idiot. But I will entertain your notion that you have any say in how my wife and I lead our lives. Erin is sick, that’s all. I bet you feel stupid now.”

“No, I don’t,” Holtzmann told him. “If she’s just sick, why isn’t she answering her phone? Why hasn’t she called in sick? She was supposed to teach a class today.”

“She went back home to Michigan,” Phil said, “to be with her parents. I can’t take care of her, I’m always so busy.”

“You know, I don’t believe you for some reason,” Holtzmann said. “Why isn’t she answering her phone if she just went to Michigan? Why doesn’t she call in sick?”

“I’m not her assistant, I don’t know,” Phil shrugged. “I’m telling you now, that should be enough.”

“Well, if you talk to her, tell her to call our secretary,” Holtzmann said. “It’s standard procedure.”

Phil sighed. “Whatever, I don’t have time for this.”

“Then don’t act surprised that we’re worried and thinking about calling the police.” Holtzmann wanted to provoke him, but she achieved the opposite.

Phil remained completely calm. “I’ve told you before, but I have no problem saying it again,” he said in a tone that made him sound like he was trying to explain something to a stubborn child. “Keep. Out. Of. Our. Lives.”

“This has nothing to do with you or your life. This is about our work. If Erin won’t come back until after Christmas, then we need to take steps, so the project won’t fail.”

“She won’t be coming back at all,” Phil said, his voice low, scared that someone might overhear them. Then he turned around without saying another word and walked away.

Holtzmann tried not to be panic, but Phil’s last words had filled her with cold dread. What was that supposed to mean? Why wouldn’t Erin be coming back at all?


	15. Phone Call

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Of course, Holtzmann didn’t believe a single word of what Phil had told her. If Erin really was sick, then she would have called, and she would pick up her phone when Holtzmann called her. And what was this whole business about Erin being in Michigan with her parents? Why would she travel 15 hours to be with her parents when she was so sick that she needed someone to take care of her? No, something was definitely off.

Of course, Holtzmann didn’t believe a single word of what Phil had told her. If Erin really was sick, then she would have called, and she would pick up her phone when Holtzmann called her. And what was this whole business about Erin being in Michigan with her parents? Why would she travel 15 hours to be with her parents when she was so sick that she needed someone to take care of her? No, something was definitely off.

Holtzmann couldn’t drive past Erin’s house this evening because it was late, and Phil might be there, but she decided to do a bit of sleuthing the next day. If she could prove that Erin wasn’t at her parents’ house, then she could go to the police. She would pretend to be the concerned colleague who hadn’t heard a single word from her supervisor in almost a week. She hoped this was enough, so the police would at least have a look around the house and maybe even Phil’s workplace.

First, she needed to find a way to contact Erin’s parents. When she got home that evening, she started googling Erin more thoroughly than she had already done, hoping to find the names of her parents in some publication. Googling “Gilbert” and “Michigan” wasn’t enough.

It took her until late at night to find a pirated download of Erin’s doctoral thesis in which she thanked her parents. Now she had two names to put in front of “Gilbert” and “Michigan”, but after she had desperately googled Erin’s mother’s name followed by her own last name and “Michigan”, and nothing had come up, she decided it was time to catch some sleep.

*

On Friday morning, the first thing Holtzmann did was check her phone, hoping against all odds that Erin had called her. Maybe Phil had mentioned something to her that had made her decide to end her silence. But, as usual, there was no missed call or text message. If Phil really wanted to make her believe that Erin was in Michigan, he should have made her contact Holtzmann. This disappearance was too mysterious for Holtzmann to drop the matter.

Holtzmann got to work immediately. With the information she had uncovered the previous evening, it didn’t take her long to find the address Erin’s parents lived at, as well as their phone number.

The phone rang twice before someone answered it. “Yes, hello, Mrs Gilbert,” Holtzmann said, trying to sound professional by talking through her nose. “My name is Jillian Holtzmann. I’m one of Erin Gilbert’s colleagues in Massachusetts. She has not been into work since Wednesday and her husband informed me she is staying with you. Would it be possible to -?”

The woman on the other line interrupted her. “Erin? No, we haven’t seen her in months. Who are you and where did you get this number?”

Erin’s mother sounded old, so Holtzmann repeated what she had said before, just slower. “I’m Jillian Holtzmann, I work with your daughter,” she explained, “with Erin Gilbert. We have your number on file here at the university.” They didn’t need to know that Holtzmann had been googling them all night. “I was wondering if I could speak to Erin.”

“She’s not here,” Erin’s mother repeated. “Why would you think she was? We haven’t seen her in ages.”

“Phil, her husband, told me she’s not feeling well and went to Michigan to spend time with you,” Holtzmann explained.

“No, you must have made a mistake, she’s not here,” Erin’s mother said again. “She told us she was too busy to see us during Christmas because she is moving to California.”

“Oh, when did she say that?” Holtzmann asked. She had completely forgotten about California.

“A few weeks ago, sometime in November I think,” was the answer, “but why do you want to know that?”

“It was lovely speaking to you, Mrs Gilbert, but I have to go now, bye-bye.”

Holtzmann ended the call and breathed in deeply. In November, Erin and Holtzmann hadn’t known each other yet, so it hadn’t happened recently. California might still be off the table. But Holtzmann had been so busy with her search for Erin that she had forgotten California completely. What if Phil had forced Erin to already go there without him? This way, he always knew where she was, and he could keep her away from Holtzmann.

It was no use; Holtzmann had to go to Erin’s house. It was a Saturday, so she had no guarantee that Phil wouldn’t be there. However, she had to try her luck because something was definitely up. Phil had lied to her repeatedly, and now Holtzmann wasn’t so sure anymore that he didn’t keep Erin chained up in the basement.

Holtzmann needed to do something to distract herself from her bad conscience. If she hadn’t given up so easily on Wednesday, Erin might still be around. She could have prevented this situation. Now she needed to do everything she could to put it right.

Instead of taking her bike, which was quite loud, Holtzmann decided to walk to Erin’s house. This way, she would be able to approach it stealthily and assess whether Phil was at home or not. Then she could adapt her plan accordingly. One thing was sure, however – she would see this house from the inside today, whether Phil liked it or not.

It was a dark day; there were heavy clouds covering the sky and it looked like it was about to snow again. Holtzmann shivered from the cold (she told herself) while she approached the house. All the windows were dark again, and there were no cars in the driveway. Still, Holtzmann went around the house and had a look in the back as well before she dared to try something.

First, she went to the front door and knocked. Maybe Phil was busy with something where he didn’t need light and Holtzmann didn’t want to be surprised by him when she broke open a window. But there was no answer, even when she knocked harder and louder.

She went around the back of the house again, thinking it would be better if she didn’t try to break in where everyone could see it. On her earlier round, she had noticed that the window, which had been open the last time, was open again, but she didn’t have a ladder to reach it.

Holtzmann looked around the garden, and couldn’t believe her luck, when she spotted a ladder lying against the house, half covered by snow and dried leaves. She picked it up and leaned it against the house. It reached perfectly up to the window. Things were finally going her way.

Once Holtzmann was on top of the ladder, it was easy for her to push open the window so far that she could climb inside. She had landed on the upstairs landing. Through one door, she could see a bathroom, the other door was closed. Without hesitating, she pushed it open, bracing herself to find Erin tied up.

It was the bedroom, and it was empty. When Holtzmann whispered Erin’s name there was no reply. She closed the door again and hurried downstairs. The living room was empty, as was the kitchen. This left only the door to the basement, the room of Holtzmann’s nightmares. If Phil kept Erin locked up in one place, this would be it.

Carefully, Holtzmann pushed open the door and found the light switch on the right-hand side. Wooden stairs led down into the basement, and she carefully stepped on the first one.

“Erin?” she hissed, but there was no reply.

She had to go down there, she knew it, but she was so scared of what she might find that it took her five whole minutes to gather up the courage. When she finally made a move, she rushed downstairs to get it over with.

The cellar was empty save for a couple of boxes. But there was no Erin. Holtzmann was so relieved she could have cried, but then she remembered that this didn’t solve anything. Erin was still gone, and Holtzmann didn’t know where she was. If Erin wasn’t here, then Holtzmann had no idea where she should look next. There also wasn’t anything she could tell the police because she had no evidence.

For a moment, she thought about taking a plane to California and go looking for Erin there. But Erin had never told her where in California she would live next year, so Holtzmann couldn’t even do that. She could feel she was on the verge of a tearful breakdown, unable to move for a completely different reason this time.

Then Holtzmann heard a car in the driveway and remembered that she had broken into Erin’s house and that this was Phil coming back home. She stumbled upstairs and closed the door to the basement, then rushed up another flight of stairs, just in time before Phil unlocked the front door. As carefully as possible she climbed out the window and back down the ladder, not daring to breathe until she had put some distance between her and the house.


	16. Erin's Choice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On Monday, Erin was back. Holtzmann couldn’t believe her eyes when she opened the door to the lab and it wasn’t deserted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the end of Part II, just so you know ...

On Monday, Erin was back. Holtzmann couldn’t believe her eyes when she opened the door to the lab and it wasn’t deserted.

“Erin!” she gasped, dropping her bag.

Erin looked unwell. There were dark circles under her eyes and her hair stood up in odd angles. She wasn’t wearing one of her usual prim outfits, but the sweater Holtzmann had admired so much. Today, however, it didn’t look good on her. It looked like she was still sick.

“How are you?” Holtzmann asked, wanting to do nothing more than to pull Erin into a hug and kiss her forehead.

“Fine,” was Erin’s short answer. She didn’t look at Holtzmann but focused on her work. “I had a cold.”

“I tried to reach you for almost a week,” Holtzmann told her. “I talked to Phil, I called your parents, I was really worried about you.”

“I’m fine now,” Erin said.

“Don’t you want to tell me what happened to you?” Holtzmann pleaded. “Why didn’t you just call me back when I tried to reach you?”

“I was sick,” Erin said again.

Holtzmann had no idea what the matter was. Not even a week ago, Erin had told her she would leave Phil for her, and now she couldn’t even look at her. Holtzmann wanted a straight answer out of her, but she also knew she shouldn’t push Erin, so she sat down at her workstation to give the other woman some space.

They worked quietly for an hour until Holtzmann couldn’t take it anymore.

“Please, Erin, just tell me what happened to you,” Holtzmann said again.

“Nothing happened to me, I was sick.”

“I tried calling you, you never picked up. I went to your house, no one was home,” Holtzmann listed. “Where were you?”

“I don’t have to tell you about my whereabouts,” Erin snapped. “And I have a class to teach now, so if you’ll excuse me, Jillian.”

Erin picked up her bag and rushed out of the lab, leaving a stunned Holtzmann behind.

Had Erin just called her Jillian? She knew she hated that name. Only last week ago, she had told Phil off for calling her Jillian. Why was she doing it herself now? The relief Holtzmann had felt upon seeing Erin was dwindling again. Something was definitely off. Erin looked like a mess, didn’t want to talk to her, and kept using the wrong name.

The most logical explanation was that Phil had brainwashed Erin to not like Holtzmann anymore. It sounded far-fetched, but there were ways you could do that. And Erin’s sudden disappearance was in favour of this theory. Maybe Phil had taken her to a kind of seminar where they had taught her to be faithful to her husband and resent Holtzmann.

Holtzmann groaned in frustration and let her head fall onto the desk. When had her life become so complicated? Sometimes she missed just having sex with random women, no strings attached, but then she remembered Erin’s smell and touch and her cute face when Holtzmann paid her a compliment or made her come, and then she realised it was all worth it. If only she could finally resolve this issue with Phil and officially start dating Erin.

Maybe Erin was simply tired from being sick for so long. This was another possibility Holtzmann hadn’t thought about yet. Maybe, when she got back from teaching, she would treat Holtzmann differently, maybe even apologise to her. Holtzmann made up her mind to apologise to Erin because of Wednesday and snooping around in her life, and then they might be able to start anew.

Holtzmann made a plan to ask Erin to come home with her tonight. If she could get her away from Phil and his bad influence, things might be easier. They could talk all night, make plans for their shared future, maybe even make out for a bit.

Holtzmann was so lost in this fantasy that she didn’t hear Erin come in. When Erin addressed her, it made her jump.

“Did you get any work done?”

“Erm ...,” Holtzmann made. “Yes, a bit.”

“What do you mean, _a bit_?” Erin snapped at her. “I was expecting you to be finished by now. We lost so much time last week.”

“Hey.” Holtzmann felt hurt, as if Erin had slapped her. “That’s not fair. You were off _being sick_ and I was here, working my ass off, so we don’t lose too much time.”

“Don’t use that tone with me,” Erin said carefully, sounding like a guardian reprimanding a child. “If you don’t want to be part of this project anymore, just say the word.”

Holtzmann took a deep breath. “Please, Erin, just tell me what’s going on. What happened to you wanting to leave Phil to give us a try?”

Erin snorted. “I would never leave Phil,” she said finally, “and certainly not for someone like you, _Jillian_. Phil is a professor, an intelligent man, he is at the point in his career where people contact him if they want him to work for them. I’m not giving that up for a research assistant who can’t even dress properly.”

Holtzmann was so stunned, she didn’t know what to say. Something bad must have happened to Erin if she talked like this. One part of Holtzmann wanted to run and put as much distance between her and Erin as possible. But she also wanted to know why Erin was acting like this and see if she could help her.

Holtzmann cleared her throat. “So, can I ask what changed your mind?”

For the first time that day, Erin looked at her. Her eyes looked different. Holtzmann was sure that Erin’s eyes had been blue when she had seen her last, but now they were brown. Maybe Erin was wearing contact lenses or the lighting in the lab was different than the lighting in Erin’s house, but she was still taken aback by this sudden change.

“I didn’t change my mind,” Erin answered finally. “It was what I always wanted to do. I made a mistake by making you think otherwise. When you had left that day, Phil and I sat down and talked over our situation and he made me see how … blinded I was by you. You’re flashy and loud and somehow this made me think I was attracted to you. But I’m not, I need you to understand that. I’m straight, I could never be happy with a woman. It has nothing to do with you personally, it’s just not who I am.”

Now Holtzmann could feel tears burning in her eyes and one rolled down her cheek. She knew she hadn’t behaved her best these last couple of weeks, but she also knew she didn’t deserve to be talked to like this.

“I love Phil,” Erin went on, “and I could never leave him. He gave me time to think about my feelings for him during these past couple of days. He is kind and generous and he forgave me, even though I cheated on him twice. He is one of a kind and I’m so lucky to have him in my life.”

“Yeah,” Holtzmann made. “He’s great.”

“And there’s also something I need you to do,” Erin said finally, matter-of-factly, as if she was asking her mechanic to fix the taillight of her car. “I need you to stay away from us. It’s just for a couple of days more and then we will move to California anyway, but I don’t want you to interact with me apart from what is deemed necessary. Please don’t try to talk to me about my personal life and _please_ don’t make any attempts to change my mind because I won’t.”

“You’re really moving?” Holtzmann managed to finally say.

“Again, this is none of your business,” Erin told her. “I have given you an explanation and I don’t owe you anything more than that, so please let me work in peace now.”

Holtzmann took a deep breath. Another tear was rolling down her cheek, but she wiped it away angrily. “If you want me to leave, then I’m leaving,” she said, her voice heavy with sadness.

Before Erin could say anything, Holtzmann had grabbed her bag and jacket and rushed out of the lab. She didn’t want Erin to see her crying and she also needed to get her thoughts and feelings into order. If Erin wanted to be left alone by her, that was something Holtzmann could make happen, but she wouldn’t give up, not when so many things didn’t make sense.

Erin had hurt her with her words, hurt her so much that Holtzmann was sure it hadn’t been Erin speaking. Even if being with Phil was what Erin wanted, she would never inform Holtzmann about her decision in such a cold, cruel way. But Holtzmann also knew there was nothing she could do right now. She needed to put some space between herself and Erin, so she was free to work on finding a solution.

This was what Holtzmann was best at: finding the solution to a seemingly unsolvable problem.


	17. Phil's Theory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This wasn’t Erin, Holtzmann was completely sure about that. Erin had wanted them to be together, Erin had been ready to give up her life with her husband to be with Holtzmann, Erin didn’t want to move to California but work on her career in Massachusetts. Mostly, however, it was the way she had talked to Holtzmannn – Holtzmann didn’t want to believe Erin was straight, couldn’t believe she was straight. She remembered how Erin had kissed her, fucked her, made her come. She remembered the way Erin looked at her, flirted with her. No, either Erin was living a lie or really had been brainwashed by Phil.

This wasn’t Erin, Holtzmann was completely sure about that. Erin had wanted them to be together, Erin had been ready to give up her life with her husband to be with Holtzmann, Erin didn’t want to move to California but work on her career in Massachusetts. Mostly, however, it was the way she had talked to Holtzmannn – Holtzmann didn’t want to believe Erin was straight, couldn’t believe she was straight. She remembered how Erin had kissed her, fucked her, made her come. She remembered the way Erin looked at her, flirted with her. No, either Erin was living a lie or really had been brainwashed by Phil.

And then there were her eyes. Why did they look completely different than they had a couple of days ago? Rebecca had always said that a person’s eyes were the doorway to their soul. Holtzmann had thought this was a very cheesy thing to say, but now she suspected that Rebecca might have been right. Something unusual had happened to Erin’s soul and Holtzmann wanted to find out what.

The key to unravelling this secret had to be Phil. Erin had not been sick at home as he had told her, so he knew what really happened to her. Of course, Holtzmann could not go and talk to him because he would never tell her the truth and might even file a restraining order against him. But there were other ways to dig around in his past, other ways she could find clues on what he might have done to Erin.

She had had great results by googling people, so this was the next logical step for her. She couldn’t go back to the lab, not after what had just happened between her and Erin, so she decided to go home and get to work on finding out what she could about Phil. It had never occurred to do a bit of research on him until now because she hadn’t considered that he was an important part of Erin’s life and his background might also hold clues on what was happening to Erin.

Dr Phil Hudson was a well-established researcher. This Holtzmann could tell from the first results page. He had won several important prizes in his field, the first time for his doctoral thesis. Erin had been right about one thing: He was a great researcher, there was no doubt about that. No matter what Holtzmann might have against him personally, she could see why the people in California would want to work with him.

But the further Holtzmann went on with her research, the weirder the results got. First, she found out that Phil had been kicked out of the first college he had attended for “slandering the name of the scientific community”. If had been indecent behaviour or something to that effect, Holtzmann would have dropped the matter immediately, but now she knew she had to find out more about that.

Phil’s first college had an online archive of the college newspaper and after doing a bit of math and guessing Phil’s age, she was actually able to find the edition of the paper that had a small article on him being expelled. It was only ten lines long, but Holtzmann had to read it three times to be absolutely certain she had understood it correctly.

Phil had been expelled from this college because he believed in the existence of ghosts.

This was a lot to take in and Holtzmann had to let it settle. It wasn’t so much that she didn’t believe in ghosts – as long as something could be scientifically proven, Holtzmann was on board with the idea, no matter how wacky it might seem – but out of all the things she could have uncovered, this was the most far-fetched one.

Somehow, Phil must have managed to recover from being expelled; otherwise, he wouldn’t be such an acclaimed researcher now. Holtzmann was fairly certain that his parents had paid good money, so he was accepted into another college. It didn’t matter. He was a doctor now and had been able to put his past behind him.

Holtzmann wondered if he still believed in ghosts and what his research might have been like all those years ago. She found a paper he had written before he had been expelled, and she could see why he had been the laughing stock of the scientific community back then. It was 10 pages of him trying to prove that ghosts were real without showing any of the evidence.

Holtzmann could see that he was onto something, and with the right equipment and research method he would have been able to prove his theory. She was excited to do research in this field as well, but then remembered she had to find out what had happened to Erin. Ghosts weren’t t so interesting at the moment.

What had Phil’s obsession with ghosts to do with Erin? After some digging, Holtzmann found another paper by Phil in which he argued it was possible to bring back the souls of dead people and have them inhabit the body of a living person, so they themselves could live again. Holtzmann shivered. Ghosts were all fun and games, but this was some hardcore approach and she wasn’t on board with it. But it fitted Phil, it fitted the way he was.

Holtzmann wondered if Erin knew about her husband’s interest in the paranormal. She was pretty sure she did because despite being expelled, Phil seemed to be very proud of his belief system. At least, it seemed like that in an interview Holtzmann found with Phil on YouTube.

It had been recorded shortly after he had won the prize for his thesis. He had been hailed as the most important young researcher in his field and therefore had been a guest in a scientific talk show on a regional TV station. Someone (Holtzmann suspected Phil himself) had put a recording of the talk show on YouTube.

It was about ten minutes long. At first, the host asked him about this thesis and Phil had to explain the most important points so that lay people could understand it. Holtzmann mostly zoned out for this part of the interview.

But then the host asked Phil about the things Holtzmann had wondered as well. “Dr Hudson, you were expelled from your first college for believing ghosts are real. Do you still believe in ghosts?”

Holtzmann expected him to stutter or blush, but Phil remained calm. “Yes, I do.”

“Could you give us a reason for this belief?”

“Of course. I had a girlfriend in high school and she died in a car accident. Ever since then I have wondered if ghosts might be real and I’ve been working on trying to prove it.”

Holtzmann noticed that the host had to fight to keep himself from laughing. “Were you close with your girlfriend?”

“She was the love of my life,” Phil answered honestly. “I still miss her every day.”

“And have you ever managed to speak with her or her ghost?”

Holtzmann could hear the sneer in the host’s voice, but Phil couldn’t. Or he had decided to ignore it, because he continued to answer in his usual calm voice.

“No, I haven’t. So far, I haven’t been able to scientifically prove the existence of ghosts. I am trying to get funding, but people don’t jump at the opportunity to fund this kind of research.”

It was obvious that Phil wanted to talk about his research, but the host had other things in mind. “What would you do if you saw your girlfriend again? What would you say to her?”

“You need to understand what I’m trying to say.” Phil leaned forward in his chair and the camera zoomed in on his face. “I don’t just want to talk to her, I’m working on a way to bring her back.”

“And how would that work?”

Holtzmann paused the video. She didn’t need to hear Phil’s answer to know what he had in mind. The only way to bring back his dead girlfriend was to have her possess a body of someone who was alive. And Holtzmann had an idea of who that person might be.

So Phil hadn’t brainwashed Erin, at least not in the normal sense of the word. He had somehow managed to bring back his dead girlfriend’s ghost and have her possess Erin’s body. This explained the change in eye colour and Erin acting weirdly towards Holtzmann.

Ghosts were real, only Holtzmann had no way of proving they were. She couldn’t go to the police and tell them this story. She couldn’t ask anyone else for help, because no one would believe her. She didn’t even know if Erin was still alive somewhere in her body or if the ghost had killed her.

Holtzmann had to try. She had to try and save Erin, had to banish the ghost from her body. Only, she had no idea how she could do that. But Erin was worth it.


End file.
